2 things

1. I like GQ, and I think I want to get a subscription. next time I have money that isn't going towards christmas presents or paying accompanists.

2. i came across something that was just plain puzzling to me in GQ. Puzzling because I both liked and didn't like it at the same time. It was in an interview with Clint Eastwood and it was the last two lines of this poem. In that interview they also said that it was Timothy McVey's last words, so I guess that could lead me to be afraid of the power of these words, therefore not liking them.

7. Invictus by William Ernest Henley OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance	5
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,	10
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:	15
I am the captain of my soul. So in a way, I think that that is a wonderful idea, being the master of your own fate and the captain of your soul, but master and captain seem to be such strong words filled with authority in a negative way. At the same time, I like "captain of soul" because I tend to think of spirit and soul as something separate from my body, something to be driven or guided. something on a journey (which is something I talked about today with someone who's helping me out with my life plans.) interesting....

frustration

what i really want for christmas, is a new attitude.

not seriously, but it'd be nice.

so frequently i operate out of fear. i put off decisions because i'm scared of making the wrong one. i hate that i have so engrained in my brain that there IS at all a wrong choice. right now i'm thinking specifically of what my major is going to be. I feel like choosing between these two majors (music ed and writing my own major in Fine Arts Education (which wouldn't include a teaching license)) is basically deciding who i will be and where i will go for the REST OF MY LIFE. i do realize that i can change my mind if i don't like it, and that i don't have to do the same exact thing for the rest of my life, but i know that one thing can lead to another. i, however, have no idea what my one thing will be. everybody has their (logical) opinions, EXCEPT for me.

i believe i have found my largest fault; i do not know what i want.

i've found it in so many places in my life and each time it doesn't surprise me.

i fail to commit because i don't know if its what I really want. I won't commit unless I know it's worth my effort, so I end up being lazy.

there.

figured it out.

next step.... fix it?

or as my parents would say, "next step, build a wall!"

two new thoughts

in the last couple days, i've come across two thoughts that are my favorite types of thoughts - the kind that are so small and simple, but shake you.

first, that i can judge people without it affecting our interaction or relationship. naturally, i have opinions of anyone i encounter. From now on, I'm really focusing on common compassion and the idea that each person is their own expression of themselves - not a failed attempt to be me or something or someone i am familiar with. just because the way you act is unappealing or annoying to me doesn't mean i have the right to be rude to you. you're a person and you are how you are. i can do nothing to change that. i can, however, have fewer issues with you if i choose to just see you as a person being themselves, not a person trying to aggravate me.

second, that i can be different from the ones that i love (friends, parents, teachers, etc.). I've kind of figured out that by loving someone, that I subscribe to the idea that they are, in some sense, ideal. by seeing someone as idea, i think that i would, in some way, like to be like them. (this is just what i've figured out for me). I don't have to be similar to the people I love in order to relate to or connect with them. I don't have to be like you in order to love you. It's incredibly frightening to be or become different than those you love. Those who I love are part of my identity, and my shifting idea of self and direction in life are enough changing factors in my life. I so would LOVE for those I love to be a constant, a solid thing I can always identify with, but that is unrealistic. I wondered this summer, "what is a best friend?". I thought to myself, "If a best friend is someone I like all the time, I do not have a best friend. I don't like anyone all the time". and it's true. I don't even always like myself. i think i may have wandered... whatever.

i'm gonna go eat some christmas buttons :)

Parlez-vous francias?

So I've been asking a lot of questions lately, but not formally.

I've been trying to make plans for myself through course selection, summer plans, future schools etc. I've found four professors on campus who are SO willing to help.

They each have ideas for me that are so appealing and inspiring, and none of them want it for me. They all want me to figure out what I want for me.

There is no WRONG or RIGHT. that is the hardest thing I'm dealing with right now. There is no "should". For so long, I have operated on "should", which I believe led me to Luther. There are parts of this institution I find inspiring, and other I find not welcoming at all. In some ways, I do believe I made a poor choice coming here, but this place has led me to find a new direction. I have found a new part of myself that I doubt I would have ever seen. I now know so many people (beyond family and life long friends) that are supportive and inspiring.

Today is just one of those days that change feels so GOOD. I'm going for what I want, even though it may be frustrating, ever lasting and difficult. For the first time in a while, I feel downright fabulous. about me! AND, through that, I know you're fabulous too! YOU'LL SEE IT, I SWEAR!

more things i don't want to forget

This is a blank map that lets you go as far as you want in any direction, with no questions asked, but it's no help at all if you want to know if you're going the right way. - Story People

and then these three things

I’ll never experience death, since my death, by definition, will be the absence of me. I won’t be there — so what’s to fear? Our identities spring entirely from a constantly recomposed electrochemical symphony playing in our heads. Asking where my “self” goes when that electrochemical symphony ends is like asking where the music goes when an orchestra stops playing. We are living music. How wonderful is that?

and

"This natural universe is all there is. We are all made of the same material as the stars, but unlike most of the stuff in the universe, we have the astonishing good fortune to be conscious for a short while. We should never stop dancing and singing in the face of that magnificent luck. We are cosmically insignificant, inconceivably unimportant--except to each other, to whom we should therefore be unspeakably precious."

from

http://parentingbeyondbelief.com/blog/?p=35

AND

"The world in which you were born is just one model of reality. Other cultures are not failed attempts at being you; they are unique manifestations of the human spirit." -Wade Davis