she's only happy in the sun

As someone who is interested in education, you think I'd understand that you don't learn something just once. Well, maybe you do - maybe the next times are deepening or extrapolating the understanding you've already achieved. Any way you slice it - I realize I learn the same lessons over and over. Maybe these are personal challenges I'm supposed to repeatedly face in my lifetime. Something that, because of who I am, is my responsibility to ponder, challenge, share, and re learn 80 million times.

Recently through the feminist women's magazine BUST, I've become interested in sexual education and development. What all of the information I'm coming across is saying (in an underlying, not outright way) is that you need to love yourself before you can love another. I formulated that saying in high school - probably while dealing with a break up before my sr. year. and kept it to myself. Thinking back, since I've discovered this idea, I've relearned it every two or three months. maybe even once a month. It's quite amazing to me how easily I forget things - even ideas that I decide are central to my personality and way of life.

I decided once, also during high school, that I believed in love and education, and that was just about it. What I didn't realize was that by choosing to believe in those two things, I was choosing to not believe in hate or anger and ignorance - which kind of sounds good until you look at it closer. How this manifested itself in my life was by me eliminating intense anger or dislike of people, ideas, events, anything. I would use the word "annoyed" or "upset" but I was never angry or mad. My mind and body have a lot of capabilities - and I had shut two of them off. I put myself in disconnect - controlling responses, reactions, and thoughts. I have since learned that believing in love and education REQUIRES that i believe in the opposite - something I learned in a different form this JTERM (Every bend is a stretch. everything has its inverse wrpped up in what it is. For every actions, there is an opposite - and its potential is in the initial action).

I was going to keep going but I'm feeling a bit lost right now, because I wandered. I think this'll make more sense to me later and I'll keep going :)

rain

I've been pretty up and down lately - but it's totally alright. If I were always in the same place, I'd get comfortable and bored.

Today I took my own advice and so far I am really feeling good. It took a lot of thinking and pouting and in general just bein a crab - but i got myself out of it.

I'm learning to be more critical - and not in a negative way. To pay attention, to understand what little things can mean in a bigger way.

Some things have really been challenging to me - especially the idea of independence. caring for myself. doing what's best for me - and not worrying about other people thinking i'm self centered. This really is the time in my life to explore and be me - weather it hurts others or helps them. Obviously I prefer it help them, and I'm certainly not going to go out of my way to hurt someone and justify it as, "it was the best for me". Right now, it seems as though life is a constant lesson on letting go. That seems really dark and sad, but it's really not.

anyway, i am trying something new. i'm making a plan each time before I go work out. I no longer get sore or feel challenged - it's routine. so i'm steppin it up.


i hope you're all challenging yourselves!
-emmalee

my resolution

my second week of school resolution:

to not complain as much.
i read somewhere that you should write positive rather than negative goals, so i could rephrase that as, "be a more positive person", but that's really not what i'm going for. I think there's an place for positive and negative in each person - but what i'm going for is to NOT put my negative side out there so much.

sure, i can still have negative thoughts, or talk with friends about things that are troubling me. what i'm not going to do is to let everyone i come into contact know what i'm dealing with or what i ate for lunch that didn't taste good. i know i'm not that bad yet, but i'm annoyed with myself.

I was thinking about all of this yesterday - and of course the story of the day email was about complaining

"The problem with knowing everything's going exactly as it needs to is that when you're not having that much fun it doesn't even do any good to complain." - StoryPeople

i was thinking about having a different resolution every week... or possibly eliminating one thing in my life each month. seems like a challenge - something i need right about now. i'm getting comfortable. i'm not asking questions and i'm not exploring.