doubt

doubt in others has become condescending in my life.

why is there this check and balance?
why does it drive me nuts.



rarely in actual balance
always in transition
perfectly forming.






and yet i am quick to compromise

perfect.

http://www.bostonconservatory.edu/s/940/Bio.aspx?%20sid=940&gid=1&pgid=1241

frames

Through a really frustrating, tough conversation, I learned a lot about me. How I act, what I talk about a lot, how the way I process things is not the same as others, etc.

What really struck me is how much other people influence my decisions. Like spite. I'll do something just because it will piss someone else off. Or, choose not to spend time with someone because they are friends with a specific person. Other people influence my decisions so much - and it's not direct. It's ME giving other people these influences.

What if I just decided I wanted to do something for me? What if all my decisions where based on me and what I wanted, regardless of other people. It sounds really self centered, but I really don't think it is. Deciding for yourself is probably the prime example of self worth. that doesn't mean deciding without considering other people - just knowing what you would do on your own, without other people there is strength.

well, that's what i'm working on now.
not dismissing my passive behavior, compromises, or spiteful decisions as grace or self preservation.

A little late

but i just gotta take a moment and express my gratitude for my family. extended and immediate.
i know we may not be as "close" as other families, but man - they're literally my people. i am their person. we belong (cyndi lauper anyone? sam? YES)

so, my orchestra concert in fort dodge I had two uncles (who beyond high school didn't do anything musical other than listen to jimmy buffet) a pseudo aunt (they should just get married already), both my parents, and my grandma - my only living grand parent.

as much as i see my extended family as pretty opposite of me, they're pretty awesome. hilarious, and usually nice.

i think shit's about to get real though... my grandma's not doing too well. and this is not me looking for sympathy or comments or anything. its just weird. i haven't really dealt with death (other than my dog) since 2nd or 3rd grade. i am excited about something though - my mom and i are gonna go down and stay with her this summer while my uncle (who lives with her) is up in canada. we're gonna re wallpaper her kitchen? i feel like knowing how to wallpaper is a really good skill. not life or death... but cool! and my grandma's pretty cool. especially for not having toes.

anyway, that's what i got right now.
-em