something in the lemonade

so, shit's starting to get real, and stay incredibly not real at the same time. how does that work? yeah i'm not sure either.

I'm getting all angsty cause I am stressin about my recital, and there's not real pay off until April 9th at noon. So, it's a long and winding road - and it feels kind of solitary. I've been practicing a lot more than I ever have before, and to be honest, it feels good. I think it's requiring me to look at music very differently, and I haven't begun to make it mine yet. That's the scariest part for me. I've always been a fine musician, getting by with skill and effort, but I wouldn't really count myself as a solid solo performer, because it makes me too nervous. not stage fright nervous, but it just feels gross to me, to be up in front by myself (or with an accompanist) - it makes me want to cut my nails, throw up, and go to bed.

so, things are stressful and weird, and i'm not feeling thankful for ANYTHING. that's what feels the worst - that I don't like where I am or how I'm behaving because of my to-do list and insecurities.

I don't know why, but I've been trying to remember really good moments. Not good like, proper margins, grammar and spelling on a paper, but good in a way that is like the crunch of a peanut m&m, or a spastic dance when you feel like crap, or helping someone out who needs it. it doesn't feel good, it feels good, like you want it to happen at least three more times today, and you want to remember each time. those moments that remind me of The Perks of Being a Wallflower's idea of "in that moment, I swear we were infinite". (ps i'm obsessed with the idea of infinity).

so, i guess you could say I'm pulling out the good letters on a bad day - something my mother recommended I do. Keep pictures, letters and cards from students that say "I love music!", "Thanks Ms. Johnson" or things like that for days when nothing seems to be going well.

So what are your moments?
Mine include concerts, conversations, and sick beats.
I want another. Maybe that's what this is - preparing for a new favorite. a new good. purely of my own doing.
wouldn't that be something special?

perspective

those strong moments of doubt come and go, but they somehow to manage to stick with you sometimes.

like when I was in Vienna:

I went to the Vienna International School with one of my collegues and one of my professors (who happened to be in vienna at the same time as me!). It was a really great (30 minute) experience. I loved the school environment, met a lot of friendly teachers who were working hard for students, and a lot of respectful and interesting students working hard. What i LOVED was the k-12 aspect of the school, separate and together all at the same time. I was thinking, "man, if all international schools are THIS sweet, I really DO want to work here for a long time", confirming one of my long time dreams. It was such a relief to finally see what I've been wanting and imagining for such a long time. I think I decided on teaching internationally sometime during my senior year of high school, after I decided that the Peace Corps wasn't for me. How I decided this, I don't know. I don't pretend to make sense now, and I won't lie and tell you I made sense then, either. Riding the UBahn home, my professor was talking about a Luther grad who was working at that school, about her european lifestyle, with a european military boyfriend, and her plans to go to a ball that night. It all seemed so unreal - so dream like. It seemed dream like, because it's what i've been dreaming of for so long, and here it was just sitting in front of me (actually, behind me a couple stops on the U6). I instantly began to doubt.

how do i get there? what about my family and friends? could i live, not just visit, but honest to god settle myself in a place without peanut butter or drinking fountains? where i stuck out like a chicken in a library?

i don't know. i've doubted. but i desire. and i think that the only way to know is to try.
in a couple years.
so why am i thinking about this now?
can't stop. won't stop. (rockafeller records, baby?)

what's wrong with that, I'd like to know.

Have I ever told you how much I love valentine's day?

well, if not, now's the time.

i love valentine's day. a lot.

i'm pretty sure (except for a sullen teenage year or two) that i have always loved valentine's day. here's why - cause i love the people in my life, and valentine's day is about love. and who doesn't love an excuse to eat chocolate and get goofy cards.

now, i know that the way you love your spouse or significant other is a little different than how you love your parents, dog, best friend, or roommate (usually). BUT SERIOUSLY, if valentine's day is about love, why not celebrate all kinds of love? i might just go to culver's just to celebrate one certain kind of love - the "i hate to love you" kind of love. (if there were an arby's in decorah, YOU KNOW ID BE THERE).


so, friends, love comes in different forms.
watch love actually.
(not everything is perfect)
buy your own damn chocolates, because you love yourself!
but don't forget to tell those that you love, that you love them. (especially your mom!)
happy (almost) valentine's day!


in memories of valentine's days past:
(you can't expect anyone else to love you, if you don't love yourself first)