so, I went to a lecture earlier this week by Anna Deavere Smith. It was brilliant - full of intention and potential - also pretty confusing and overwhelming. I'm unsure as to WHAT to do with what I came away with.
She talked about one of my personal mysteries - grace. I instantly loved her for questioning my same question - what is it, and when does it show itself? is it good?
The biggest thing I got from her is to find my question - my big thing - and be relentless. start early and pursue it as if nothing else matters. It seems so beautiful and courageous - and frightening.
But the scariest thing is that I DONT KNOW WHAT MY QUESTION IS.
I've got a lot of loves - but does that mean that any one of them is less pure or less intense simply because the others exist?
I can certainly tell you that two of my loves have been fighting for a long time - vocal and instrumental music. I don't know if one will ever win. they're like harry and voldemort - they can't thrive at the same time. one doesn't QUITE kill the other, but you get my point.
i don't even know what age i like to teach - and i don't know when i will know. AND THAT MIGHT CHANGE WITH MY AGE. so.... what's a girl to do? go the direction I think i like, with both feet? pursue everything at the same time and feel undedicated?
sometimes I think I should have majored in elementary education - 1 because i want that sort of intense relationship with students and the opportunity to help them as a person beyond just music 2 because i don't really think of myself as a musician. its just kinda what i'm good at. I love
, but not more than the average bear. I love it because of the people, because it's fun, and because it makes sense.
other stuff i want to do that confuses me
degree in conducting or ped
study to be a luthier
waldorf teacher certification
own and live on a farm
teach at an international school
word vomit.
yep.
that was it.
almost thoughtfully put together :P
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
great
Have you ever wanted to be really great at just one thing?
When I get puzzled about what I'll be doing in the future, I end up saying to myself, "I just want to be really excellent at it". Cause if I'm GOOD at my job, chances are that I'll love it.
But lately, I've been feeling like school is just too many things all at the same time. Sure learning how to manage a calendar and set priorities are valuable skills that come from having expectations, but this is a big extreme.
If I could take each of my classes that I'm taking right now, just ONE at a time.. I'd actually be able to dedicate time to it. Now I really feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants on a regular basis, scrambling to make my next deadline, and consistently letting someone down (don't worry, it's a rotating schedule - everybody gets disappointed at least once). But somehow, I'm always disappointed with myself as well. It's frustrating to have all of these things that i COULD love, but they end up biting me in the but cause I'm too busy to pay attention to all of them. It's like I'm dating a 15 headed dragon or something.
BUT, it's all good. Cause I'm going home for break. Wait, what? Break? Well, sort of. I'll be teaching, and I know it'll be a good experience, but something inside of me just wants to watch horrible MTV and VH1 shows in my pajamas, take a yoga class or two, read some funny stuff, make yummy food and call it an excellent break.
Just so you know, I am actually QUITE pumped about this experience, just not it's timing. But, I guess it's only fair, cause I was in Vienna for a month :)
When I get puzzled about what I'll be doing in the future, I end up saying to myself, "I just want to be really excellent at it". Cause if I'm GOOD at my job, chances are that I'll love it.
But lately, I've been feeling like school is just too many things all at the same time. Sure learning how to manage a calendar and set priorities are valuable skills that come from having expectations, but this is a big extreme.
If I could take each of my classes that I'm taking right now, just ONE at a time.. I'd actually be able to dedicate time to it. Now I really feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants on a regular basis, scrambling to make my next deadline, and consistently letting someone down (don't worry, it's a rotating schedule - everybody gets disappointed at least once). But somehow, I'm always disappointed with myself as well. It's frustrating to have all of these things that i COULD love, but they end up biting me in the but cause I'm too busy to pay attention to all of them. It's like I'm dating a 15 headed dragon or something.
BUT, it's all good. Cause I'm going home for break. Wait, what? Break? Well, sort of. I'll be teaching, and I know it'll be a good experience, but something inside of me just wants to watch horrible MTV and VH1 shows in my pajamas, take a yoga class or two, read some funny stuff, make yummy food and call it an excellent break.
Just so you know, I am actually QUITE pumped about this experience, just not it's timing. But, I guess it's only fair, cause I was in Vienna for a month :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)