Wednesday, November 14, 2012

weird

Recent large happenings in my life:

I re-set a cello bridge. YEAH! (conquered a rather large fear in my life - bridges)
I accepted a position working with a high school church choir in St. Paul.
I realized that I'm not excited for Thanksgiving.
I found space for ALL of my post-it notes in my desk. This is a true miracle.
I made a new playlist for running outside.
I ran outside. My lungs ALMOST worked. This is a true miracle, as well.


So, I've been thinking about grace (as usual).
This thought came to me tonight as I realized previously stated large happening no. 3. I'm not excited for T.Gives, and I don't know why. This is a large happening because T.Gives is historically my favorite day of the year (besides black friday, the beginning of Christmas At Luther rehearsals, and Christmas, which all follow closely). It's like a weird obsession, almost. I don't know what it is, but I'm pretty sure it has to do with my favorite people, being appreciative and affirming, and making and eating a lot of food. It's right before all my OTHER favorite things, so it's like a kick off to amazing! What's not to love?

I was listening to Beautiful Mess during homecoming at Luther, and they performed this song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_k-a9aaLl0). It was beautiful and it really froze me in time. I wanted to listen to it 10 more times and study the lyrics because I knew it had something in it just for me.

Today, driving home from a nearly 11 hour work day, that song came on the radio. As I sat eating my dinner (which largely consisted of oreos, milk, and butternut squash lasagna), I pulled a little nugget out of that song that really describes what I'm thinking.

"To be wrong all along and admit it is not amazing grace - to be loved like a song you remember even when you change"

So, here I am. I've changed. But my old song (Thanksgiving) hasn't. My perspective and opinions have changed, but I am challenged to still recognize that event and its meaning in my life. That's grace. Learning to love things in a different way.

I don't know if I make sense to anyone else, but this blog isn't really for anyone else, so... who cares.

It just reminds me of one of my most favorite quotes:
"Art and love are the same thing: it's the process of seeing yourself in things that are not you" (Chuck Klosterman)

You can always find pieces of you or something recognizable in experiences or events. So maybe I'm not excited about Thanksgiving because it's another confrontation with how different I and my life is from how it used to be. There is no escaping the reality of change of place while celebrating thanksgiving in a new home. I don't think it will feel like home. It may not even look like home at the rate I'm unpacking. I hope I feel like me, at least.

"When that's what you see, that will be me"