As someone who cares about education and learning, I often find myself mentioning the word development - speaking of them as clearly defined stages, like mile markers on the highway.
I read something a while ago that said something about outgrowing dependency. Isn't that what I'm supposed to be doing now? Growing up - separating, defining, and exploring myself. free of influence.
If this is a part of growing, am I still developing? I thought stages of development were supposed to stop at like 18. But now that I think about it, there was definitely something in my Ed Psych textbook about the main struggle and questions of each decade in life.
i guess i'm just here to whine. as usual. when do i get answers. when do i get to feel secure?
I'm beginning to wonder if I will be able to recognize something that I'm sure about. It seems like such a foreign, unlikely thing - to be sure. In a big picture kind of way - not the "this answer to question #8 on my math homework is right. i'm sure" kind of way.
is doing something you're not sure of an act of courage or stupidity? I'm not even speaking of some specific thing, but just in general. I'm beginning to wonder if i'm slowly walking of a cliff with my chin held high.
a very wise woman once told me (and continues to tell me) not to wish time away.
but SERIOUSLY can I just be 25 already? I'd like to know whether or not I'm any good in a classroom. I'd like to know where I'll be geographically. I'd like to know WHAT I'm going to teach because YES i do have an identity complex over my "emphasis" or "specialty". I'd like to know if I can even live on my own.
Seriously, this is the me in a nutshell. Never where I want to be. Always wanting to be a step ahead. moderately frustrated and mostly impatient. or, put more simply - always the little girl in the back seat saying "ARE WE THERE YET?".
c'mon little girl, take a friggin nap.
you'll get there.
calm down.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
independent
I'm sure I've already written about this, as I'm sure you already know - I have the same epiphanies over and over. I think. This time, I've taken it to a different level, which I'm sure is the point of the repetition.
Point/Question being:
Do you think you can form your identity without peers or instructors/bosses?
Can one ever be un-influenced and independent of others?
Is there such a thing as "your truest self"?
So far, in my life, I'm finding that I am incredibly influenced and therefore somewhat formed by my peers and those whose opinion I find valuable. (But hold the phone, isn't my opinion original? .... probably not) I am also finding that I am many different people - I change frequently. I don't know if that's because I change based on who I am around, or if I truly have many capacities and facets to my personality.
This is what this whole blog was supposed to be about - being your own person.
That is, after all, why I changed my name to Emmalee. To be my own person.
To form my identity myself - while recognizing (and paying respect) to those who have helped me to form myself this far.
Now I'm lost in my own thoughts.
Here's a concrete thought for you - if that's what you were looking for.
Listen to the new Sufjan Stevens album - Age of Adz.
OH MY GOD. SO GOOD.
Point/Question being:
Do you think you can form your identity without peers or instructors/bosses?
Can one ever be un-influenced and independent of others?
Is there such a thing as "your truest self"?
So far, in my life, I'm finding that I am incredibly influenced and therefore somewhat formed by my peers and those whose opinion I find valuable. (But hold the phone, isn't my opinion original? .... probably not) I am also finding that I am many different people - I change frequently. I don't know if that's because I change based on who I am around, or if I truly have many capacities and facets to my personality.
This is what this whole blog was supposed to be about - being your own person.
That is, after all, why I changed my name to Emmalee. To be my own person.
To form my identity myself - while recognizing (and paying respect) to those who have helped me to form myself this far.
Now I'm lost in my own thoughts.
Here's a concrete thought for you - if that's what you were looking for.
Listen to the new Sufjan Stevens album - Age of Adz.
OH MY GOD. SO GOOD.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
be careful what you wish for
cause it might be awesome.
strangz is hittin the pavement going 40 mph (10 per gig we've been offered). which doesn't sound like a lot, i know, but its way faster than i anticipated!
i'm loving foundations. sometimes i get frustrated with how much conversation we have. my previous teachers would have a hard time believing i don't like a class in which all we do is talk (okay really, its not ALL that we do). but i wanna try stuff. all the conversations we're having - i want to see them in action NOW. i want to try it out, even if it means we all behave like 2nd graders for one person trying out teaching. not the most realistic, i'm aware. but i want to try to see what these ideas LOOK LIKE.
personally, its a really challenging course. i wouldn't say its academically demanding, but nonetheless an important developmental experience.
i was about to go through all my classes, but then i realized that i'd pretty much be saying the same thing over and over again - i really enjoy it, its anywhere from not to incredibly challenging, i would change ____ about the course structure, but overall, i just wish i wasn't taking all of these at the same time. i truly wish my academic courses were laid out in a way that i only had two or three of them, and i went in depth and had a lot of time to spend on it outside of class.
that right there, along with the statements "i strongly dislike insurance companies and automated phone services" and, "the term 'lozenge' is pretty misleading" pretty much sums up my life for the last week.
strangz is hittin the pavement going 40 mph (10 per gig we've been offered). which doesn't sound like a lot, i know, but its way faster than i anticipated!
i'm loving foundations. sometimes i get frustrated with how much conversation we have. my previous teachers would have a hard time believing i don't like a class in which all we do is talk (okay really, its not ALL that we do). but i wanna try stuff. all the conversations we're having - i want to see them in action NOW. i want to try it out, even if it means we all behave like 2nd graders for one person trying out teaching. not the most realistic, i'm aware. but i want to try to see what these ideas LOOK LIKE.
personally, its a really challenging course. i wouldn't say its academically demanding, but nonetheless an important developmental experience.
i was about to go through all my classes, but then i realized that i'd pretty much be saying the same thing over and over again - i really enjoy it, its anywhere from not to incredibly challenging, i would change ____ about the course structure, but overall, i just wish i wasn't taking all of these at the same time. i truly wish my academic courses were laid out in a way that i only had two or three of them, and i went in depth and had a lot of time to spend on it outside of class.
that right there, along with the statements "i strongly dislike insurance companies and automated phone services" and, "the term 'lozenge' is pretty misleading" pretty much sums up my life for the last week.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
a lil' nugget for you
People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered; Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God; It was never between you and them anyway.
-- Mother Teresa
i've resumed my pursuit of grace.
i started the week before i graduated from high school.
talk about a work in progress.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God; It was never between you and them anyway.
-- Mother Teresa
i've resumed my pursuit of grace.
i started the week before i graduated from high school.
talk about a work in progress.
Monday, September 13, 2010
ANGST
i mostly just write in here when i'm angsty, or so it seems right now.... mostly because i'm angsty and writing in here.
can i just have some answers? i know, i talk about reflection and honesty and purpose and all this stuff involving soul searching and questioning, but I WANT SOME ANSWERS ALREADY!
could i please just see into the future? even like 4 months? just a peek would help... please?
can i just have some answers? i know, i talk about reflection and honesty and purpose and all this stuff involving soul searching and questioning, but I WANT SOME ANSWERS ALREADY!
could i please just see into the future? even like 4 months? just a peek would help... please?
Saturday, August 21, 2010
3 months of summer
and it was a summer of firsts
1st long distance relationship (we knew it'd only be for summer)
1st complete SNL episode watched
1st consumption of honey mustard
1st viewing of lord of the rings
1st time touching a cow
1st time taking a nap at a professor's house
1st time driving a four wheeler
1st time getting legitimately lost on my own (what do you mean i took the wrong highway for over an hour!?)
and it was the first time in a long while that i've honestly felt GOOD about being a music teacher. often I have just felt it my destiny. not forced upon me by peers, parents, or teachers. just... what i was supposed to do. it was this summer that i felt, once again, that ache to connect and create with people.
so, i also watched the weston noble documentary for the first time this summer (just tonight, actually) and in it he said "we forget how dreadfully students need love, how terribly they need affirmation, and that they need to know that where they are is OK"
okay so those aren't the exact words, but most of them are right! so.... there you go. this is me saying, if you are a student, have a student, or somehow relate to students - keep that in your brain.
on another thought, things are changing relating to my choir/orchestra dilema.
(not really cryptic, but not really citing any details. mwahahahaha)
anyway, i'm going to pack now. i'm leaving tomorrow for the local foods tour first year immersion program trip! me, two alumni, and 6 or 7 incoming first years, eating, talking about food, working, cooking, camping, all kinds of good stuff.
SEE YOU AT SCHOOL, SUCKAS
1st long distance relationship (we knew it'd only be for summer)
1st complete SNL episode watched
1st consumption of honey mustard
1st viewing of lord of the rings
1st time touching a cow
1st time taking a nap at a professor's house
1st time driving a four wheeler
1st time getting legitimately lost on my own (what do you mean i took the wrong highway for over an hour!?)
and it was the first time in a long while that i've honestly felt GOOD about being a music teacher. often I have just felt it my destiny. not forced upon me by peers, parents, or teachers. just... what i was supposed to do. it was this summer that i felt, once again, that ache to connect and create with people.
so, i also watched the weston noble documentary for the first time this summer (just tonight, actually) and in it he said "we forget how dreadfully students need love, how terribly they need affirmation, and that they need to know that where they are is OK"
okay so those aren't the exact words, but most of them are right! so.... there you go. this is me saying, if you are a student, have a student, or somehow relate to students - keep that in your brain.
on another thought, things are changing relating to my choir/orchestra dilema.
(not really cryptic, but not really citing any details. mwahahahaha)
anyway, i'm going to pack now. i'm leaving tomorrow for the local foods tour first year immersion program trip! me, two alumni, and 6 or 7 incoming first years, eating, talking about food, working, cooking, camping, all kinds of good stuff.
SEE YOU AT SCHOOL, SUCKAS
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
freaked me out
so i was thinking about the beginning of summer earlier today, and remembered telling Paul that what I was dealing with was a big bowl of scary and new, and that i felt i had to stomach it on my own. i realized in that moment that my nervous thoughts and worries about luther 2010-2011 are also a big bowl of scary and new, and it will always be me stomaching it on my own (with the encouragement of others, of course).
this lead to two major thoughts
A) how thankful i am for the people around me. I rely on conversation to process and make decisions - academic, personal, relating to decorating or irrational behavior.
B) what if i'm making choices based on avoiding fears. similar to picking a jurry piece similar to one i don't want to sing, JUST so they won't pick that song, what if i'm chosing to be a teacher because i like the repetition and safety of routine? I don't doubt my desires to be an educator, and I believe that whatever my motivation, it will be a challenging and fruitful jouney. But, it does make me wonder how strong of a person i am.
am i satisfied with my weaknesses? do i accept them as a part of me, if they let other people in?
right now i say hell yeah.
but there's got to be a way to let people in while still being independent and self sufficient, right?
in the words of atmosphere, "i'm trying to find a balance. i'm trying to build a balance"
-em
this lead to two major thoughts
A) how thankful i am for the people around me. I rely on conversation to process and make decisions - academic, personal, relating to decorating or irrational behavior.
B) what if i'm making choices based on avoiding fears. similar to picking a jurry piece similar to one i don't want to sing, JUST so they won't pick that song, what if i'm chosing to be a teacher because i like the repetition and safety of routine? I don't doubt my desires to be an educator, and I believe that whatever my motivation, it will be a challenging and fruitful jouney. But, it does make me wonder how strong of a person i am.
am i satisfied with my weaknesses? do i accept them as a part of me, if they let other people in?
right now i say hell yeah.
but there's got to be a way to let people in while still being independent and self sufficient, right?
in the words of atmosphere, "i'm trying to find a balance. i'm trying to build a balance"
-em
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