i feel a blog coming on.
just thought i'd blog about that ;)
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
doubt
doubt in others has become condescending in my life.
why is there this check and balance?
why does it drive me nuts.
rarely in actual balance
always in transition
perfectly forming.
and yet i am quick to compromise
why is there this check and balance?
why does it drive me nuts.
rarely in actual balance
always in transition
perfectly forming.
and yet i am quick to compromise
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
frames
Through a really frustrating, tough conversation, I learned a lot about me. How I act, what I talk about a lot, how the way I process things is not the same as others, etc.
What really struck me is how much other people influence my decisions. Like spite. I'll do something just because it will piss someone else off. Or, choose not to spend time with someone because they are friends with a specific person. Other people influence my decisions so much - and it's not direct. It's ME giving other people these influences.
What if I just decided I wanted to do something for me? What if all my decisions where based on me and what I wanted, regardless of other people. It sounds really self centered, but I really don't think it is. Deciding for yourself is probably the prime example of self worth. that doesn't mean deciding without considering other people - just knowing what you would do on your own, without other people there is strength.
well, that's what i'm working on now.
not dismissing my passive behavior, compromises, or spiteful decisions as grace or self preservation.
What really struck me is how much other people influence my decisions. Like spite. I'll do something just because it will piss someone else off. Or, choose not to spend time with someone because they are friends with a specific person. Other people influence my decisions so much - and it's not direct. It's ME giving other people these influences.
What if I just decided I wanted to do something for me? What if all my decisions where based on me and what I wanted, regardless of other people. It sounds really self centered, but I really don't think it is. Deciding for yourself is probably the prime example of self worth. that doesn't mean deciding without considering other people - just knowing what you would do on your own, without other people there is strength.
well, that's what i'm working on now.
not dismissing my passive behavior, compromises, or spiteful decisions as grace or self preservation.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
A little late
but i just gotta take a moment and express my gratitude for my family. extended and immediate.
i know we may not be as "close" as other families, but man - they're literally my people. i am their person. we belong (cyndi lauper anyone? sam? YES)
so, my orchestra concert in fort dodge I had two uncles (who beyond high school didn't do anything musical other than listen to jimmy buffet) a pseudo aunt (they should just get married already), both my parents, and my grandma - my only living grand parent.
as much as i see my extended family as pretty opposite of me, they're pretty awesome. hilarious, and usually nice.
i think shit's about to get real though... my grandma's not doing too well. and this is not me looking for sympathy or comments or anything. its just weird. i haven't really dealt with death (other than my dog) since 2nd or 3rd grade. i am excited about something though - my mom and i are gonna go down and stay with her this summer while my uncle (who lives with her) is up in canada. we're gonna re wallpaper her kitchen? i feel like knowing how to wallpaper is a really good skill. not life or death... but cool! and my grandma's pretty cool. especially for not having toes.
anyway, that's what i got right now.
-em
i know we may not be as "close" as other families, but man - they're literally my people. i am their person. we belong (cyndi lauper anyone? sam? YES)
so, my orchestra concert in fort dodge I had two uncles (who beyond high school didn't do anything musical other than listen to jimmy buffet) a pseudo aunt (they should just get married already), both my parents, and my grandma - my only living grand parent.
as much as i see my extended family as pretty opposite of me, they're pretty awesome. hilarious, and usually nice.
i think shit's about to get real though... my grandma's not doing too well. and this is not me looking for sympathy or comments or anything. its just weird. i haven't really dealt with death (other than my dog) since 2nd or 3rd grade. i am excited about something though - my mom and i are gonna go down and stay with her this summer while my uncle (who lives with her) is up in canada. we're gonna re wallpaper her kitchen? i feel like knowing how to wallpaper is a really good skill. not life or death... but cool! and my grandma's pretty cool. especially for not having toes.
anyway, that's what i got right now.
-em
Sunday, March 28, 2010
always in transition
So,
all these concepts I hold important in a classroom, I don't even know what they are, or have stopped to think about weather or not they are actually necessary. I'm speaking specifically about my recent work at north winn - improving behavior and academic performance (NOT NECESSARILY MEANING EDUCATION) through self worth. I will be the first to admit that I have a hard time believing in myself, and that is certainly an aspect of self worth I constantly am learning about - how I feel about me. This summer, I was talking with my voice instructor, and we got to this subject. He gave me a quote from Martha Graham (who I had just learned about at Luther!) that confuses the issue of self worth for me. I'll share the whole quote, then touch on the specific troubling part.
"There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. ... No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others."
okay now read it again.
this along with someone telling me the key to happiness is to not confuse your work with who you are, have really confused me. I've always thought that I needed to be happy with my job to be happy with my life. What if I just was something I was good at, like a professional color coder and then did lots of other things besides my job, that were the things I actually cared about. I've always known that when I grow up (when ever the hell that is...) that I want to be a real, whole, person.
Pines of Rome is really distracting me right now. too intense. i cannot keep going. (Pines of the Appian Way)
all these concepts I hold important in a classroom, I don't even know what they are, or have stopped to think about weather or not they are actually necessary. I'm speaking specifically about my recent work at north winn - improving behavior and academic performance (NOT NECESSARILY MEANING EDUCATION) through self worth. I will be the first to admit that I have a hard time believing in myself, and that is certainly an aspect of self worth I constantly am learning about - how I feel about me. This summer, I was talking with my voice instructor, and we got to this subject. He gave me a quote from Martha Graham (who I had just learned about at Luther!) that confuses the issue of self worth for me. I'll share the whole quote, then touch on the specific troubling part.
"There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. ... No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others."
okay now read it again.
this along with someone telling me the key to happiness is to not confuse your work with who you are, have really confused me. I've always thought that I needed to be happy with my job to be happy with my life. What if I just was something I was good at, like a professional color coder and then did lots of other things besides my job, that were the things I actually cared about. I've always known that when I grow up (when ever the hell that is...) that I want to be a real, whole, person.
Pines of Rome is really distracting me right now. too intense. i cannot keep going. (Pines of the Appian Way)
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