weird

Recent large happenings in my life:

I re-set a cello bridge. YEAH! (conquered a rather large fear in my life - bridges)
I accepted a position working with a high school church choir in St. Paul.
I realized that I'm not excited for Thanksgiving.
I found space for ALL of my post-it notes in my desk. This is a true miracle.
I made a new playlist for running outside.
I ran outside. My lungs ALMOST worked. This is a true miracle, as well.


So, I've been thinking about grace (as usual).
This thought came to me tonight as I realized previously stated large happening no. 3. I'm not excited for T.Gives, and I don't know why. This is a large happening because T.Gives is historically my favorite day of the year (besides black friday, the beginning of Christmas At Luther rehearsals, and Christmas, which all follow closely). It's like a weird obsession, almost. I don't know what it is, but I'm pretty sure it has to do with my favorite people, being appreciative and affirming, and making and eating a lot of food. It's right before all my OTHER favorite things, so it's like a kick off to amazing! What's not to love?

I was listening to Beautiful Mess during homecoming at Luther, and they performed this song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_k-a9aaLl0). It was beautiful and it really froze me in time. I wanted to listen to it 10 more times and study the lyrics because I knew it had something in it just for me.

Today, driving home from a nearly 11 hour work day, that song came on the radio. As I sat eating my dinner (which largely consisted of oreos, milk, and butternut squash lasagna), I pulled a little nugget out of that song that really describes what I'm thinking.

"To be wrong all along and admit it is not amazing grace - to be loved like a song you remember even when you change"

So, here I am. I've changed. But my old song (Thanksgiving) hasn't. My perspective and opinions have changed, but I am challenged to still recognize that event and its meaning in my life. That's grace. Learning to love things in a different way.

I don't know if I make sense to anyone else, but this blog isn't really for anyone else, so... who cares.

It just reminds me of one of my most favorite quotes:
"Art and love are the same thing: it's the process of seeing yourself in things that are not you" (Chuck Klosterman)

You can always find pieces of you or something recognizable in experiences or events. So maybe I'm not excited about Thanksgiving because it's another confrontation with how different I and my life is from how it used to be. There is no escaping the reality of change of place while celebrating thanksgiving in a new home. I don't think it will feel like home. It may not even look like home at the rate I'm unpacking. I hope I feel like me, at least.

"When that's what you see, that will be me"

it is well with my soul

Finally starting to feel like I'm getting the hang of it (it being my current life), which obviously means it's time for something to go wrong, haha. But seriously, I'm feeling almost comfortable, I'm feeling mostly successful, and most of all, I'm still learning a lot.

Homecoming was this past weekend, and I think it caused a lot of reflection and set some thought wheels a turnin'. yep, a turnin'.

I called my parents on the way home from Luther, and talked about how hard it was to see the place that I love and count as one of homes continuing on wonderfully. Shouldn't that feel good? Well, yeah, but to be apart from it is what sucked. Anyway, driving down, I was nervous. I was a little scared. How was my old home going to feel and be now that I have accepted a new sort of life?

It was easier than I thought. I was talking to my parents about it, and I said "I think the whole moving out of our house, and me living away from home has made this easier in a way", and my dad said something to the effect of, "No, you're probably just growing up". I know that I may not feel this way very often or say this phrase ever again, but I am growing up.

It somehow reminds me of a particularly powerful piece of writing I've held close to me for a while now.

After a while you learn the subtle difference 

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul, 

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning 

And company doesn't mean security. 

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts 

And presents aren't promises, 

And you begin to accept your defeats 

With your head up and your eyes open 

With the grace of a[n adult], not the grief of a child, 

And you learn to build all your roads on today 

Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans 

And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. 

After a while you learn... 

That even sunshine burns if you get too much. 

So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul, 

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. 

And you learn that you really can endure... 

That you really are strong 

And you really do have worth... 

And you learn and learn... 

With every good-bye you learn.

So maybe this giant shit show of a transitional period in my life outside of graduating was there to make graduating seem less awful. Maybe I just needed more things to think about (just kidding). I don't know. It felt so good to be back in decorah. I ate the Blancas, I spent my Sunday morning at magpie and my former place of employment, the cutest rural lutheran norwegian church EVER, and I saw my non-genetic and ever-loving families at Luther. As much as it hurt because I missed it, it felt right to be separate from it. I feel bigger. I feel like it was time. It was and is time for me to stretch and try out something new. To start. To be scared shitless. If you're comfortable, you're doing it wrong. It is well with my soul. 

So maybe the goodbye to Luther is another way of learning to be me without depending on something else for identity. I mean, obviously, Luther will always be a part of me - but it won't control every aspect of my life. It's time for me to take what I love about and learned from Luther and make it part of my life. Time to be intentional about WHO I am and WHERE I am. 

Soli Deo Gloria

improvements

dear friends,

i now feel that I COULD be a solid elementary music teacher. I've been planning for and teaching 3 of the 5 grades completely ON MY OWN. and my students called me magic johnson yesterday. To back up my self evaluation, I had an evaluation by my advisor that was my best yet! wham bam, steal a ham.

it was really hard for me to buckle down and spend a lot of time planning - i lost a lot of sleep over it, but it's so worth it. the kids are great, and most of the time we have lots of fun :)

to top it all off, i had a pumpkin pie blizzard from DQ tonight, ANNNNNNNNNNND

http://pitchfork.com/news/48056-sufjan-stevens-announces-new-christmas-box-set/

news of a new sufjan stevens christmas box set.
so much joy in my life.
OH, AND!
I get to be in Luther Land (aka Decorah) this weekend for homecoming.

friday, my cooperating teacher's gone, so guess who's teaching everybody all the things?
me
:)

virus

tomorrow i have to wear clothing that isn't yoga pants or gym shorts and sweatshirts.

i've been sick for 4 days.
this is ridiculous.
tomorrow, i attempt a day at school. honestly, eating dinner tonight really took the energy out of me so we'll see how well i handle 26 4th graders at 8:35 tomorrow morning.

good god. what am I going to wear.

homeless

I am officially temporarily relatively homeless.

Let's break that down:
officially - my parents are closing on the sale of our house as I type this.
temporarily - we will move into our new home in a month
relatively - I'm not staying with my parents; I'm living in Waseca while I student teach in Owatonna.

going home tonight - not to move, be in a wedding, or get a lot of things done.
just to hang out with my family and friends.
to be with the people i love.

where is home? not geographically sure.
but it's where ever i'll be this weekend
:)


P.S. This weekend i'm going to start planning lessons to teach at school. My teacher has been having me do a lot with students, but we've been operating from her (excellently crafted) lesson plans. Can't really tell you how excited I am.

update

student teaching: one giant bag of awesome.


my day is filled with two of my favorite things:
kids
solfege

hell to the yeah.


had my first observation today and i didn't die!
victory!

3412

So this is goodbye.
Most likely not a "see you later".

Tomorrow, I will be driving away from my home of 13 years for the last time.
I'm in my bed, my room nearly empty.... the rest of our house an admitted mess.

Not sure what to think, but maybe it's best not to. Yeah, it kind of sucks, but my new sister taught me a delicious phrase that turns a normally apathetic or frustrated phrase into one of hope (cliché, I know). She says, "Whatever - it'll be awesome".

Quite honestly, it's usually true. Maybe this is a little bit hippy of me, but if I just let go and think it'll be good.... maybe it'll be good.


Okay, so even I can only take so much sentimentality.
Awesome things that have happened because I'm moving:
oreo milkshakes
unearthing all of our childhood toys OH MY GOD SO MANY 101 DALMATIONS AND STARWARS TOYS YEAAAAAAAAAH
realizing that home actually is NOT where you keep most of your underwear

how great that I have this opportunity to shed a layer of stuff, put myself back together in a new place with my parents, and give a new family a place to grow. I mean, moving that china cabinet really SUCKED, but I think my bed frame will go relatively easily (thank you, IKEA!).

and even if it doesn't.....
whatever - it'll be awesome

this is the pile of crap to get rid of....this round at least

i noticed this summer that I hadn't had any orange juice since I was in the UK. if you know me, you know that's really atypical. I haven't really been drinking it, even when it's available... but I craved it today! It seems that I'm back to being me, haha. 

side note: if you haven't listened to "The North" (the new album by Stars), go do that. 

you won't regret it.

Transitions

Here I sit, finished with teacher training (essentially) completed.

           Time really flies. I know it's cliché, but it really does seem like yesterday I was putting on my cap and gown to walk across the stage, or even unpacking my room at Luther for the last time (after which I totally called my mom and asked her to come get me).

          Transitions and sentiments aside, I'm going to tell you where I'm at (intentionally ending a sentence with a preposition).
So, about this student teacher business. It's pretty awesome, once I forced myself to forget that I'm paying 10,000 to "work" in a public school (I'm really not working that much, at least, so far...). I was nerdily excited to go to teacher training. I've only been hearing about how boring and possibly frustrating it is for, uh.... my entire life (both of my parents work in public schools). Despite the nay sayers, I thought it would be great. And it was.

           Teacher training was satisfactory. Not the "S" or "ME" meaning satisfactory or meets expectations on elementary report cards, but the kind of satisfaction you get after doing something on your own for the first time, or not getting a speeding ticket when you're actually speeding (not that I have experience in that... cause I always get tickets). It was so satisfying not because we did the most effective ice-breakers or because the teacher's union speaker was the most inspiring 20 minutes of my life, but because it felt like the change I've been (anxiously) waiting for. It was, honestly, an appropriate and expected mix of boring and exciting.


             One of my friends said she's been worried about me because she knows how I deal with change. I really still haven't decided how I feel about that sentence, but whatever. So, that statement, and my satisfaction from this change in my life caused me to think a bit about change. I'd be lying to you if I told you this summer and school year have been the best of my life. I've been reflecting on the past year and a half and am amazed at where I've been (physically, emotionally, academically, etc). So much happened that I could not have predicted, including a senior recital I'm genuinely proud of and the surprising and challenging loss of my grandmother. It's been a (clichéd) roller coaster, full of changes, smiles, and tears.

              As someone who historically holds a lot of anxiety during times of transition, these past couple of months have been big ones for me. I graduated, traveled internationally, and then returned home to start a new, very demanding job (Dorian camp counselor POP POP!). Once that was all over, I thought, "now what? oh right, summer....". It was pretty much July, and I found out from my parents that they were selling our home. I was preparing lots of lists and my ability to suppress tears at TWO weddings of people who are important to me, and was still wondering about that big thing coming up, oh yeah, student teaching. That thing that I've been preparing FOUR YEARS for that has the strong probability of telling me if I'm any good at my chosen profession or if it makes me happy. (I know, I put all sorts of pressure on myself that I DONT NEED).

SO. two months of all of that. getting ready, work, getting ready, work, work, not crying, getting ready, work, not crying, work. ALL. THE. TIME. honestly, I enjoyed it. It was high intensity - which I love, it was about other people (mostly) - which I also love, and it was all for good things (student teaching, weddings, being financially independent). it just was kind of exhausting, and yet, I cried a lot as I drove away from one wedding to get ready to move for student teaching. I was NOT ready to make a change, even though that's all I'd been thinking about for two months.


+TOTAL SWITCH OF TOPICS THAT WILL EVENTUALLY MAKE SENSE, hopefully.+

            I went for a walk/run in Waseca yesterday. It was awful/awesome. I made myself do it, even though I really didn't want to. Ethan told me where there was a nice trail, and how to get back through town, and off I went in my Nordic tee and yoga capris (classic, I know). About 2 blocks down this path, I started to feel excellent. Mostly because it felt like Decorah, but whatever. I was ghetto jamming on a BEAUTIFUL summery/fall path. I was enjoying exercise outside (which hasn't really happened since spring). I was in a new place and I felt like a me I'd forgotten in Decorah. The sun was just starting to go down, so it was bright but soft, and I slowed down just to enjoy where I was. In rural Minnesota. yep, I just said that. I think it felt good because it was change. The leaves were crunching under my asics and I was sweating outside in a beautiful place.

            So what's different? Why did this change in location, season, and sensation (of self) not make me anxious, and the other changes did? Maybe they're all part of one, and seasons are expected to change like friggin clockwork (which I LOVE). I don't know, really, and I'm totally okay with that. It's just a lesson to myself that sometimes the things I fear and worry about the most will feel the best.

I'm absolutely JACKED about my teaching placement, and can't wait for the kiddos to come for school on Tuesday.

I'm also absolutely JACKED that Carah and Michael are now married, and in four days, I'll be able to say the same about my brother, Drew and his awesome fiancé, Danielle.

victory

i have a weird stomach.

i can't eat eggs, broccoli, peppers, cabbage, and am sensitive to dairy (but only seasonally, and I'm not crazy - it's a real thing).

recently, i made some delicious pizzas with ehler - covered in veggies and other yummy things. this pizza left my stomach hurting for a while, and i decided that enough is enough. i wanted to take on broccoli. so here's what i did.

anthony recommended a good no-rise pizza crust that was mostly wheat flour, and i added some broccoli to it. first i steamed the broccoli and "pureed" it (i put it in a blender - not ideal results). because the broccoli was so wet, i didn't add all the water called for in the recipe.

baked those little crusty-crusts for like 12 minutes.
pulled them out to cool while i made pizza sauce. I added cauliflower (also steamed and blended) to the pizza sauce.
waited for all that to cool before constructing 7 little pizzas, and then popped 'em in the freezer to be consumed at my convenience.

i ate one last week - i was really nervous i'd end up with a 5 hour stomach ache
BUT IT WORKED!
i hate broccoli AND cauliflower AND MY STOMACH DIDNT HURT!
plus i really liked making a lot of things at once, for me to eat later. i also don't feel as bad eating them as i did the bajillion mini pizzas i got at costco (whooops).

one word
victory

boo-ya, digestive system.
boo-ya.

Goat Rodeo Session

Plan after graduating and traveling through europe for a bitsy - buy a friggin madolin.

awwwwww hell yeah.


go listen to goat rodeo sessions.
now.

Lessons

I recently spent a large chunk of time in a high school vocal music classroom. I worked with 3 different choirs, and taught a bunch of lessons to a range of students. I worked with another Luther student, and a Luther grad who is an excellent teacher. It was a tough experience, I won't lie. I didn't love every minute of it, but I did grow, and that is worth more to me than enjoyment at this point in life.
With that in mind, I give you

Lessons Learned From The Podium; not-so-choral reflections on a thoroughly choral experience

1) Know your shit.
Yes, reveling in mystery and finding the good in the unknown are great skills (that I'm still working on. I like plans, people!) BUT when you are in a position of leadership, it is very important to know what to ask of the people you're leading. In my situation, it was VERY important to know the notes. ALL THE NOTES (hyperbole and a half, anyone?). This one isn't very deep, get over it.

2) Know what you want.
This is where things got challenging for me. Sure, I could play the parts on the piano, and solfege them up the waz. I knew my notes. What I didn't know, and found hard to plan, was what to ask of the people I was leading - beyond the notes. So, find a focus. One day, class, minute, prayer, or task at a time - choose one direction and go. In this case, it was best to have a plan BEFORE going into the class, but in many cases it could be just as effective to decide in the moment. How simple is that? Find a direction and go. just A direction - not the right direction. you'll find something.

3) Listen
Obvious, but challenging. There are so many different kinds of listening! As a musician, I am constantly using my ear to help me make my music better - blending with my section, listening for balance, checking intonation, text, notes, rhythms... everything. It's gaining information from your surrounding world, whether it's musical, verbal, whatever. When I was conducting, if I was focusing on my motions (which often challenged me) I wouldn't hear what the students were doing. We'd stop, and I wouldn't know what to do because I had no information to work with, only thoughts on my own performance. It's sort of like the ultimate reflection - forced to be in time with what's going on.

4) Be persistent.
That was the biggest thing I learned. Demand what you want from your life, and it will rise to the occasion. Do not give up - keep asking for what you want. (Just so you know, this was about breath support and continued energy to achieve long phrases) My most successful time with students was one in which I accepted NOTHING less than their best. When they came back the next day, they knew I wasn't going to take less than yesterday (within reason). They knew what they were capable of, and started to expect it of themselves. So keep going - get it right. Don't be violent with yourself, you must be patient AND persistent.

5) Fake it 'till you make it.
I was afraid or nervous probably 70% of the time that I was in that school building. I told myself to ignore it, that I was going to be fine - and I was. I decided to not let my emotions get in the way of my progress. Eventually I was not afraid. I was succeeding because I was getting more comfortable. Sometimes you gotta just jump in, even if you don't think you can swim. If you don't think you're ready, just try. Will you ever REALLY be ready? how the eff are you gonna know? just go.


I am completely thankful for my J-Term experience. This was one of the most challenging times in my life for many reasons, but looking back, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I got to focus on music for all hours of the day. It was beautiful, and it was sucky. But I really wouldn't have it any other way.

new year

i find myself reflecting on this past year.

as a student, and future teacher, i tend to think of years academically.
i'm trying to shift that, and i'm not sure why.

so, a brief list of major things that happened in 2011

trip to austria and germany with luther college symphony orchestra (including attending the officer's ball and performing in the Konzerthaus) - BALLIN'
trip to eau claire with maren and karla to visit our nordic boiz
i took nursing major chemistry - lame
i passed nursing major chemistry - awesome
i performed my junior recital
presented in the research symposium for the second time
performed in the opera as a 7yr old violin student
ended a major relationship
acquired 3 speeding tickets. yep. that happened.
joined nordic choir.
lost my aunt and grandmother
worked my butt off as a server (summer job)
spilled orange juice on my computer
moved into a 'house' with 5 wonderful women
taught some challenging lessons
experienced real life moments in hospitals
went to fogo de chao (don't even try to fight me, this was major)
performed in my last christmas at luther
acquired positions teaching preschool music and adult choir
became much more thankful for queen maggie mae mcfinnigan (our scotty) after she nearly died
road tripped to visit megan in illinois to see the last harry potter movie. ever. (with karen and alyssa)
started a relationship (or two.... ha)
continued to rock with strangz (winning open mic night for the second year in a row)
got approval for my vocal recital (to come in 2012)
turned 21


thats all i could think of in one sitting.
that was major.
what a year.
can i take a nap now?
i'll start 2012 tomorrow.