simplicity

You can break teaching down to be about lots of things. There's an endless amount of things you can worry about or focus on as a teacher.

I'm here to tell you that I've found 2 new things to do that cover ALL those little things.

1)be prepared.
2)relate to people.



After a relatively rough week, I called my mom and she told me that there are always going to be ups and downs, which did make me feel better. What DIDNT make me feel better is that my poor performance was my own fault - I had failed to be totally prepared, which made me unable to relate to the people I was teaching and working with. So, improvement. Be prepared (when possible). Be human.

That's all I've got for now.

advice

In teaching lessons this summer, I found myself doing what all my teachers before me had done - repeat themselves.

I sort of had an issue with it, just because it was new... but then I realized that I liked the things I was saying. Perfect example, "I want you to know its okay to make mistakes. We aren't trying to be perfect, we're just trying to play it better than last time". I said this in hopes of making playing for me less scary / stressful / high stakes for a 5th grader.

Well, now is the time when those words come back to haunt me. (Like when I told Carah my favorite/least favorite thing that "You don't have to want to, you just have to" and now she tells me that all the time).

I recently had a day that did NOT meet my expectations for whatever reason. I felt unprepared, disorganized, and not into it. All of these things that were going on. I just was checked out. So. first of all... huge reminder to be present and aware of what in the world i should be doing.

well, after significant upsets, I was feeling defeated. How could I think I'd be a good music teacher when I'd had this awful day of performances, preparations, and lessons. (To be clear, the choir I was working with sounded good, I just was unprepared)

what was i supposed to think would make the rest of my career any different than yesterday?
so, i told my mom.
and she said some things that really did make me feel okay. not perfect or happy or better, it just made sense and felt right.

what i've figured out is that theory and practice are 2 very different things. saying its okay that it's not perfect is not the same as being emotionally okay with a performance that was less than expected. its much harder to accept my faults than it is for me to identify my students' and try to help them with it. shouldn't i be able to teach myself to be a teacher? is that a chicken or the egg moment?

anyway, i'm just shooting for better next time.
cause that's what i've got to look forward to :)
lots of next times.
lots of room for improvement.

HALLELUJA

i succeeded in re-claiming my blog.

dear google,

i win.

-emm


ps thanks for the directions this time.

circus

tonight i went to the circus for the first time.

holy cows.


cirque do soleil's ovo was AMAZING!
the foot jugglers blew my mind.
i kind of want to be a contortionist.
the trampoline/climbing wall people scared me.
trapeze and climing rope took my breath away.
and the music was so much fun.


it was so hard to believe that the what i saw were real humans. normal humans that pushed themselves and found opportunities for these skills. the human body - beautiful and surprising.


small world, meeting gus's friend from st.olaf who is good friends with trevor. really good to see gus, and i hope he has a great time in oslo this summer.

so glad i went to the circus :)

any suggestions? any takers?

alright.


here's the deal.


i like me. but me is getting kind of boring (understandably boring after 21 years of life!), so i wanna try out some different stuff.
i want to stretch my boundaries, strike out, run with the wolves, dip my toes in foreign waters, what-have-you kind of nonsense.

so, any adventures or activities in mind?
weird stuff or opportunities?


holler.

srsly.

:)

http://www.marcandangel.com/

stop wearing you wishbone where your back bone aught to be
-eat pray love

surprise!

I never would have predicted this enjoyment and love of the violin.


so weird.
it's always just been a part of me, something i like and do well.
but now.... i am becoming moderately attached to it.




so fun :)

Do you ever feel so lost, you love it?

...lend your ears to music, open your eyes to painting, and... stop thinking! Just ask yourself whether the work has enabled you to "walk about" into a hiterto unknown world. If the answer is yes, what more do you want?
-Kandinsky, 1910




:)

:D

I could NOT have imagined my recital going better.

warning. this might sound like braging. sorry :/
Honestly, I did not expect anything that good to come out of me and my instrument.
I feel so happy with my performance - and I am proud of myself because it was all my work (along with Chelsea and Tarn :))
it all came together today in the must fulfilling way



it was FUN.
and i liked it.
and it sounded good :)




so happy.

i'm gonna go take a nap now :)

desire and drive sometimes are blockers

i have often felt like I learn the most about myself as a person during voice lessons -( which might be why I consistently get a B or B-, my strongest learning often comes at the cost of something else ). This week, and last week I have been learning about my desire and intention being a blocker. I'm trying too hard to get exactly what I want - and not letting what comes naturally actually happen.

So, working on my 361 (Jr Practicum) assignments, listening to pandora, I came across Alexi Murdoch's "A Song For You", in which he writes,
"So Im trying to put it right
Cause I want to love you with my heart
All this trying has made me tight
And I dont know even where to start "


All this trying has made me tight, from trying to get it right.
what the hell is right?
all the time, i ask myself "what should I ____?"
conscerning how I spend my time, what I eat, whether I address an issue, how to behave towards someone.
it's always SHOULD. and why is that? did I get ingraned into my head (from myself or someone/somewhere else) that there is one BEST way to live or do things? Cause I know i don't think that, but thinking and living are two different things, and it seems as though I'm living as if there is one best way to do it. it's exhausting and confusing.


so... that was my study break.
back to evaluating curriculum and reflecting on time spent with students :)

black bird

so, I went to a lecture earlier this week by Anna Deavere Smith. It was brilliant - full of intention and potential - also pretty confusing and overwhelming. I'm unsure as to WHAT to do with what I came away with.

She talked about one of my personal mysteries - grace. I instantly loved her for questioning my same question - what is it, and when does it show itself? is it good?

The biggest thing I got from her is to find my question - my big thing - and be relentless. start early and pursue it as if nothing else matters. It seems so beautiful and courageous - and frightening.

But the scariest thing is that I DONT KNOW WHAT MY QUESTION IS.
I've got a lot of loves - but does that mean that any one of them is less pure or less intense simply because the others exist?
I can certainly tell you that two of my loves have been fighting for a long time - vocal and instrumental music. I don't know if one will ever win. they're like harry and voldemort - they can't thrive at the same time. one doesn't QUITE kill the other, but you get my point.

i don't even know what age i like to teach - and i don't know when i will know. AND THAT MIGHT CHANGE WITH MY AGE. so.... what's a girl to do? go the direction I think i like, with both feet? pursue everything at the same time and feel undedicated?

sometimes I think I should have majored in elementary education - 1 because i want that sort of intense relationship with students and the opportunity to help them as a person beyond just music 2 because i don't really think of myself as a musician. its just kinda what i'm good at. I love
, but not more than the average bear. I love it because of the people, because it's fun, and because it makes sense.

other stuff i want to do that confuses me
degree in conducting or ped
study to be a luthier
waldorf teacher certification
own and live on a farm
teach at an international school


word vomit.
yep.
that was it.
almost thoughtfully put together :P

great

Have you ever wanted to be really great at just one thing?

When I get puzzled about what I'll be doing in the future, I end up saying to myself, "I just want to be really excellent at it". Cause if I'm GOOD at my job, chances are that I'll love it.

But lately, I've been feeling like school is just too many things all at the same time. Sure learning how to manage a calendar and set priorities are valuable skills that come from having expectations, but this is a big extreme.

If I could take each of my classes that I'm taking right now, just ONE at a time.. I'd actually be able to dedicate time to it. Now I really feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants on a regular basis, scrambling to make my next deadline, and consistently letting someone down (don't worry, it's a rotating schedule - everybody gets disappointed at least once). But somehow, I'm always disappointed with myself as well. It's frustrating to have all of these things that i COULD love, but they end up biting me in the but cause I'm too busy to pay attention to all of them. It's like I'm dating a 15 headed dragon or something.

BUT, it's all good. Cause I'm going home for break. Wait, what? Break? Well, sort of. I'll be teaching, and I know it'll be a good experience, but something inside of me just wants to watch horrible MTV and VH1 shows in my pajamas, take a yoga class or two, read some funny stuff, make yummy food and call it an excellent break.

Just so you know, I am actually QUITE pumped about this experience, just not it's timing. But, I guess it's only fair, cause I was in Vienna for a month :)

something in the lemonade

so, shit's starting to get real, and stay incredibly not real at the same time. how does that work? yeah i'm not sure either.

I'm getting all angsty cause I am stressin about my recital, and there's not real pay off until April 9th at noon. So, it's a long and winding road - and it feels kind of solitary. I've been practicing a lot more than I ever have before, and to be honest, it feels good. I think it's requiring me to look at music very differently, and I haven't begun to make it mine yet. That's the scariest part for me. I've always been a fine musician, getting by with skill and effort, but I wouldn't really count myself as a solid solo performer, because it makes me too nervous. not stage fright nervous, but it just feels gross to me, to be up in front by myself (or with an accompanist) - it makes me want to cut my nails, throw up, and go to bed.

so, things are stressful and weird, and i'm not feeling thankful for ANYTHING. that's what feels the worst - that I don't like where I am or how I'm behaving because of my to-do list and insecurities.

I don't know why, but I've been trying to remember really good moments. Not good like, proper margins, grammar and spelling on a paper, but good in a way that is like the crunch of a peanut m&m, or a spastic dance when you feel like crap, or helping someone out who needs it. it doesn't feel good, it feels good, like you want it to happen at least three more times today, and you want to remember each time. those moments that remind me of The Perks of Being a Wallflower's idea of "in that moment, I swear we were infinite". (ps i'm obsessed with the idea of infinity).

so, i guess you could say I'm pulling out the good letters on a bad day - something my mother recommended I do. Keep pictures, letters and cards from students that say "I love music!", "Thanks Ms. Johnson" or things like that for days when nothing seems to be going well.

So what are your moments?
Mine include concerts, conversations, and sick beats.
I want another. Maybe that's what this is - preparing for a new favorite. a new good. purely of my own doing.
wouldn't that be something special?

perspective

those strong moments of doubt come and go, but they somehow to manage to stick with you sometimes.

like when I was in Vienna:

I went to the Vienna International School with one of my collegues and one of my professors (who happened to be in vienna at the same time as me!). It was a really great (30 minute) experience. I loved the school environment, met a lot of friendly teachers who were working hard for students, and a lot of respectful and interesting students working hard. What i LOVED was the k-12 aspect of the school, separate and together all at the same time. I was thinking, "man, if all international schools are THIS sweet, I really DO want to work here for a long time", confirming one of my long time dreams. It was such a relief to finally see what I've been wanting and imagining for such a long time. I think I decided on teaching internationally sometime during my senior year of high school, after I decided that the Peace Corps wasn't for me. How I decided this, I don't know. I don't pretend to make sense now, and I won't lie and tell you I made sense then, either. Riding the UBahn home, my professor was talking about a Luther grad who was working at that school, about her european lifestyle, with a european military boyfriend, and her plans to go to a ball that night. It all seemed so unreal - so dream like. It seemed dream like, because it's what i've been dreaming of for so long, and here it was just sitting in front of me (actually, behind me a couple stops on the U6). I instantly began to doubt.

how do i get there? what about my family and friends? could i live, not just visit, but honest to god settle myself in a place without peanut butter or drinking fountains? where i stuck out like a chicken in a library?

i don't know. i've doubted. but i desire. and i think that the only way to know is to try.
in a couple years.
so why am i thinking about this now?
can't stop. won't stop. (rockafeller records, baby?)

what's wrong with that, I'd like to know.

Have I ever told you how much I love valentine's day?

well, if not, now's the time.

i love valentine's day. a lot.

i'm pretty sure (except for a sullen teenage year or two) that i have always loved valentine's day. here's why - cause i love the people in my life, and valentine's day is about love. and who doesn't love an excuse to eat chocolate and get goofy cards.

now, i know that the way you love your spouse or significant other is a little different than how you love your parents, dog, best friend, or roommate (usually). BUT SERIOUSLY, if valentine's day is about love, why not celebrate all kinds of love? i might just go to culver's just to celebrate one certain kind of love - the "i hate to love you" kind of love. (if there were an arby's in decorah, YOU KNOW ID BE THERE).


so, friends, love comes in different forms.
watch love actually.
(not everything is perfect)
buy your own damn chocolates, because you love yourself!
but don't forget to tell those that you love, that you love them. (especially your mom!)
happy (almost) valentine's day!


in memories of valentine's days past:
(you can't expect anyone else to love you, if you don't love yourself first)

rundown

AIGHT

here's the rundown of Wien so far

-climbed a giant hill in salzburg and visited a castle
-visited mozart's birthplace (saw his first violin and his REDish hair)
-ate dinner at the oldest restaurant in central europe
-visited a couple bars/clubs in Salzburg
-visited Mathausen, a concentration camp (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mauthausen-Gusen_concentration_camp)
-ate, and continue to eat a lot of these (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neapolitan_wafer)
as well as these (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinder_Bueno)
-saw two operas - Tosca and Lucia, and a ballet at the staatsoper (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vienna_State_Opera)
-saw the vienna symphony play Brahms 2 and Rachmaninoff 2 at the Konzerthaus WHERE WE WILL BE PERFORMING (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Konzerthaus,_Vienna)
-chilled in mcdonald's with Langholz
-visited the vienna museum of fine arts (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vienna_Museum_of_Art)
-and the national library (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Austrian_National_Library)
-went to high mass at augustinerkirche (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Augustinerkirche)
they did the Schubert Mass in Bflat. BEAUTIFUL. even though everything was in german and i had no idea what was going on.
-ate some of this where it was invented (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sacher_torte)


and i still have almost two weeks left.
YAAAAAAAAAAY
dear wien, i love you. stay awesome.
dear USA, you're pretty cool, too. see you soonish.

reality sets in

AND IM FINALLY REALIZING THAT IN FEWER THAN 72 HOURS I WILL BE ON A PLANE TO GERMANY!

why did I realize this? all because of public radio, of course. Driving back from buying stuff that I "need" in order to travel, I was listening to public radio, and an orchestra was playing something beautiful, and I felt something. I yearned to go to an excellent orchestra concert. Like that same feeling when you just want a good cry - like you need it in order to feel like you can move on. I want to hear an orchestra and cry. I want to be moved. I want to try and get them to play the whole program over again, cause I loved it SO much.

and that, my friends, will be happening shortly.
I'm certain that some of the most memorable and moving performances I will ever hear in person will be within these hallowed 23 days spent in Austria and Germany.

I can't wait to listen. That's a first for me.... the girl whose brothers wanted to make a shirt for saying "Help! I'm talking and I can't shut up!". True story.

....the whole living in a hotel with one of my best friends for a month might be awesome, too.
just maybe, though.



all i can say is,
hell. yes.
worth every freaking penny.