Saturday, December 27, 2008

about children

I totally love kids, but they don't usually totally love me. I was talking with Mackenzie about this, and kids and animals are just drawn to her and my brothers. I think it's because they grew up taking care of their little siblings whereas I was the little sibling. Children don't hate me or anything, a few children downright LOVE me, but they're not drawn to me like my brothers or Mackenzie.

My cousins are here from Sioux Falls and I really love it. It was a little overwhelming at first, just because I'm so used to being so lazy (I haven't done anything at all for the last three or four days). It takes a lot of work to keep them entertained and busy and especially answer all their questions! I was coming home from shopping with my mom and I was kinda freaking out because I hadn't been mentally preparing myself to deal with kids, and it occured to me that children don't phase my mother ONE BIT. She works with kids every single day, and I think that's awesome. When comparing careers, I had always assumed that the elementary music educators were the less hardcore, less talented musicians that really liked music but didn't want to study it or work on it so much. No, they're not teaching you how to conduct mixed meters or evaluate chord progressions, but they're achieving something. Basic understanding and enjoyment of music is a great thing, especially with children.

Anyway.... Christmas has been really great. I got home and cleaned and made far too much food for our annual brunch. I went to the holidazzle, and made TWO gingerbread houses (one with my cousins last night!) I almost got shot at fleet farm because I couldn't keep my mouth shot. bahahaha. so not true, but people were staring me and that was TOTALLY conceal and carry country. I bought Gloria Estefan's christmas CD. I saw 4 Christmases with my family, which was HILAR. aaaaaaaaand I went shopping with my mom.
and now i'm going to go ice fishing with my cousins. yep. my dad's obsessed with ice fishing, and in my 18 years of existence, this is MY FIRST TIME!
(except I'm only planning on going for a half hour. bahah!)

ps i woke up today to a third grade boy, named Henry, knocking on my head, yelling "WAKE UP!" life is so good!

Friday, December 19, 2008

another thought

I was talking with my Dad tonight about how lucky I am, and how unequal the standard of living is in just minneapolis. I got to thinking, and i asked my dad if he thought that i, as a person, could have been born to a different set of parents on a different continent. As if I were a soul, a person, already created, and then placed in a family. it's so weird for me to think about, but it's so cool at the same time!

so there you go.
feel free to answer.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

One Thing I Wish..

I wish that when you looked at something, you could see the time that was spent producing it. If you really think about it, you can piece all the parts of the process together and come up with it. I really wish there was some kind of label that clearly communicated time and effort.

I read through my Paideia papers from this semester, and it took me like 3 minutes to read one paper. It was ridiculous to me because I spent so much time working on them, planning them out, worrying about them, and it just went past me in 3 minutes.

I made a million christmas buttons tonight, and it took me an hour and a half. If you look at the three pans and think that it only takes 5 minutes to bake that it took like a half hour tops. Things like that. Being able to see the time, effort, love, anything that goes into producing something.

just a thought.

Monday, December 15, 2008

This May Seem So Stupid,

But I want to get my nose pierced. That's not what seems stupid. I think what seems unreasonable and annoys me is my parents "policy" on piercings and tattoos.

Mindy and Terry's policy on piercings, tattoos, and emmalee.
No. Not until you are paying your own bills.

Alright. I guess I get the whole tattoo thing. I know I'm 18, and I probs won't want it forever. My one little discrepancy with their policy on tattos is that my older brother got one while he was in college. He didn't ask, but still. If I'm responsible enough to consider it, ask my parents about it (doing the "responsible" (aka obedient) thing), and do it, I think that says I've put a lot of thought into what I want and how long I want it on my body.

I would love to get my nose pierced. I think I would look really good with my nose pierced. Yes, I think I look just fine without getting my nose pierced, but why not? I feel like I missed out on that whole "body modification" phase everybody else seemed to go though. The closest I got was extensions (which I totally loved by the way). I've never died my hair, or cut it SUPER short, or pierced anything but my ears. NAM!? (i don't want to get my nose pierced for the sole reason of going through the body modification phase so i can be like everybody else...)

and here's my thing. I've already proved I'm responsible. I can take care of myself, I do just fine in school, I don't get into trouble. AND OMG ITS NOT PERMANENT!

"what if you have a job interview?"
.... then i take it out.

not a big d.

why this is on my mind right now,
i have no idea.

time to study music theory and french!
A HON HON!


NINE DAYS AND 23 HOURS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!
and.... 43 hours until I'm HOME in da 612!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

The Johnson Family Christmas Brunch

I'm really excited to go home! once again, I'll be spending some quality time in a high functioning kitchen. Every year, my parents host this "brunch". It's basically like a grad party, minus all the horrible pictures and cards filled with money. People just come over and eat stuff and talk. pretty snazzy. I'ma make me some chex mix (80 million pounds!) christmas buttons, and biscotti. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

i just really want to go ice skating. and go to the mpls public library. and, idunno. practice, read, and whatever. NAM!?

so ... finals. about that... i'm totally the worst person in teh world when it comes to doing things that are "suggested" or "assumed" rather than required or turned in. aka, reading and studying. so... this should be fun. i have piano proficiency on monday, and i wasn't really planning on passing it this semester. I was kinda gonna suck at my proficiency exam, take it another semester, and then pass in the spring. I told my teacher, and she said I should just go for it because "you're close". Not to insult her, because she's an amazing teacher, but I really don't see myself being anywhere close to ready. all those scales, and a homophonic score ? w.t.f. mate. fer serious.

mmmmm sleeep time.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Alright, so...

Here I am, at 1:46 am on the last day of classes. in 13 hours, I'll be done with my first semester of college (classes, i mean. i still 3 days of finals). To me, that is a really surprising statement. I don't feel as if I've been here for 15 weeks. At the same time, it feels like its been both 2 weeks and forever.

I've come to know so many new names, had some truly unique experiences, learned some valuable lessons outside of the classroom, and expanded academically and musically. I've been challenged socially, ethically, and personally. I made some mistakes, got far too little sleep, found a community, and questioned my purpose in everything I do. I learned about "silly space", changed my shoulder rest, cried in both of my lessons, turned in something I was ashamed of, and received a good grade. I played mariachi music for string orchestra, participated in japanese dance, researched presidential candidates, memorized key signatures, had "two cookie days", played raquetball by my own rules, and never studied more than 5 minutes for a french test.

I'm thinking back to the day that I took all my syllabi and put all the important dates and assignments into my calendar. I was so sure that I wasn't going to make it. Everything was so overwhelming, and I kind of floundered for a while. I knew I was, and I was okay with it. I'm still okay with it. Now though, looking to second semester and jterm, I'm really excited. I'm still scared, but I am looking forward to coming back with a sense of stability and sense of direction.

Thinking about all that's happened in the last 15 weeks is overwhelming in a really positive way.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Christmas at Luther made everything make sense.

Monday, November 24, 2008

the holidays, and christmas at luther, are right around the corner.

it's a strange thought, how quickly the last 14 weeks have gone. In 3 weeks, i'll be half done with my freshman year of college. how weird is that?!?

a lot of things my voice teacher has been saying all semester are finally making sense. I'm comfortable here, this is normal now.

I'm incredibly excited for J.Term. I'm taking one class, Stubborn Light, and we're rehearsing the Mendelssohn and Sheherazade for our spring break tour! YEAHHH!

p.s. this is the class description for Stubborn Light:
" What is to give light must endure burning." -- Victor Frankl. An off-campus, rural Decorah based course. Students will travel to on-sight location for informal discussions which will culminate in a collection of visual and written creative works. Cooking and eating meals together will be part of the discussion/creation series. The course promises to encourage honesty of reflection; spirit, compassion, truthfulness; a shaking-up of our comfortable world view; looking at life from a different perspective; and to obey little and resist much. Transportation provided.Prerequisites: Open only to first-year students who are self-motivated individuals with a desire to cultivate creative thinking and actions.


i'm so excited to be home simply for all of fun time i'm going to spend in a real, high functioning, kitchen. i'm making chex mix, pies, pretzle buttons, bulgar .... salad?, puppy chow, and triple chip chocolate cookies. and too much love, and kimya dawson, and new retainers, and decorating for christmas with my family, and seeing my ridiculous extended family, and just about everything. i'm ready for a break.

this year, i'm thankful for t.gives.

Monday, November 17, 2008

There's a difference between control and stability, but they're often thought of together.

I learned this in my voice lesson today, that I provide a stable environment for singing, and the breath moves through my environment, making things happen that I can now deal with. For me, that was really weird to think about because when playing the violin, I am consciously deciding every motion, stroke, and idea. It made me think about HOW i live my life. I try so dilligently to keep track and control everything by saying no, writing things down, holding people accountable, and using far too much technology. What if I was just so prepared and stable, having my ideas and routines rock hard, that nothing phased me. My existence was mearly a means for executing something perfectly without stress. My brain gets so in the way of achieving so much. Maybe this doesn't make any sense to anyone else, and that's okay with me, because it barely makes sense to me. I am an instrument and life is coursing through me. I believe I'm capable of this. I believe that life would be better and quite possibly richer if I lived my life through that idea.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Who?

Who decides what is acceptable?

what are the limits that i hold myself to? why do i have them?

right now, i'm just really puzzled as to why I feel guilty about something that I really don't have any issue with. Yes, I did something possibly not respectable, but I think I'm no less of a person for it. Why is there such this idea of right and wrong? Did I create it in my brain at some point in my life? I'm just confused.

I used to say "go big or go home", then started to believe in limiting myself, and i'm kind of done with it.

I would like for someone to say, "emmalee, that is too much." too much practicing, too much studying, too much happiness, too much expressiveness, too much responsibility, too much thought, too much open mindedness. I just... want to stretch.

a lot.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

It's been a while

I used to blog a lot more when I didn't have this idea that it had to mean something. In my old blog it was just me talking about whatever, but this one is a little more challenging. I designed it to challenge myself, so I'm going to. I tend to avoid things that challenge me, I really like taking the easy way, which really sucks. This really wasn't the point of this post so I'm going to move on.

This week I sang for seminar. No big d, right? mmmm... about that.
I really dislike memorizing music simply because I'm afraid I'll forget it in performance. Just solo stuff. Choir music I had NO problem with. So, it was my turn. I did reallly well introducing my piece, I even impressed myself. My voice did fine, but my brain was kinda just sitting there going "ehhh emmalee? what are we doing right now? is this italian?" yeah good thing, brain. thanks.
I ended up really disappointed in myself, not for my performance, but for my attitude, approach, and preparation. I totally saw this as a scary thing that i just wanted to be over.

I'm going to work on seeing everything as a challenge that I have the opportunity to work towards overcoming. Not something I HAVE to do. Something that I would like to succeed at and work on.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Back At Luther

As I was getting ready to come back to Luther from fall break, I realized that I make A LOT of excuses for myself. Examples include not practicing because I had three tests in a week, or not answering the phone because I didn't want to have a certain conversation. I started to think about how much stuff I put off or don't get done, just because I simply didn't want to. Then that got me started thinking on how much time I spend thinking about all the stuff I should be doing when I'm putting it off. It seems that I waste an awful lot of energy by not doing something.

So,
I'm going to stop making excuses for myself.
I'm going to do what is expected of me, in the time given.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The Birth of Emmalee Rose

Today, I went to court to change my name from Emily Rose to Emmalee Rose.

Why, Emily, would you want to change your name!?
I was named after my two grandmothers;
Nadean Rose Johnson
and
Audrey Emma Way
At some point in my life, my mom told me that she planned on naming me Emmalee, but didn't because it would be difficult to learn as a kindergartener. (lame) As I neared my 18th birthday, I was thinking that I wanted to do something meaningful and big, not smoke a cigarette, go gambling, or get a tattoo. I'm actually not allowed to get a tattoo... but whatever. I decided that, as a legal adult, I would represent myself in the court of law and change my name to pay more respect to a wonderful woman who had been in my life.

My grandmother was a very great woman. I mean great. When I was in second grade, both of my grandfathers died. My Grandma Way was suffering from dimensia (i believe the early stages of alzheimer's) and was moved to the st. anthony nursing home (across the street from Wilshire Park). I didn't really understand, I thought she was just moving closer because she didn't want to be alone after Grandpa Way died. Her poor memory never impacted me really at the time, but later on in my life, I realized how much it hurt my mom, and it was a really hard realization for me. My Grandma Way died while I was on vacation with my family in Yellowstone National Park and we left a couple days early to meet the rest of our family in Cresbard, South Dakota (where my mom grew up). I asked my aunt to bring me my violin so I could play at the funeral. Suzuki Book 1. gooooood stuff. What I really remember was after the funeral, I realized that I'd never see her again, and just started sobbing and went back into the sanctuary. The pastor came in and talked to me for a long while about my grandma and death. I got to keep the picture they had on top of her casket, and its still in my room.