promise

i will no longer wine on my blog.


i'm done with that shit.
NO. MORE. WINING.




in recent news, chino latino ate my insides last night.
and that was not complaining.
comparatively, wining would be, "my stomach hurt a lot last night because of chino latino. and it sucked"

in case you were wondering.

there seems to be a theme

Two more things.

someone i've come to be very close with has said three things to me that i liked and have made me think alot.

1) To hesitate is to fail.

2) You can get glad in the same pants you got mad in.

3) you are who you are. who cares what you look like? all that matters is that you make [someone] happy.

the first two were from her grandparents,

and the third was a lot of comfort in a potentially uncomfortable situation.

i've come to learn so much from someone who i never would have guessed could teach me so much about myself. i am so thankful for the relationships in my life.

2 things

1. I like GQ, and I think I want to get a subscription. next time I have money that isn't going towards christmas presents or paying accompanists.

2. i came across something that was just plain puzzling to me in GQ. Puzzling because I both liked and didn't like it at the same time. It was in an interview with Clint Eastwood and it was the last two lines of this poem. In that interview they also said that it was Timothy McVey's last words, so I guess that could lead me to be afraid of the power of these words, therefore not liking them.

7. Invictus by William Ernest Henley OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance	5
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,	10
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:	15
I am the captain of my soul. So in a way, I think that that is a wonderful idea, being the master of your own fate and the captain of your soul, but master and captain seem to be such strong words filled with authority in a negative way. At the same time, I like "captain of soul" because I tend to think of spirit and soul as something separate from my body, something to be driven or guided. something on a journey (which is something I talked about today with someone who's helping me out with my life plans.) interesting....

frustration

what i really want for christmas, is a new attitude.

not seriously, but it'd be nice.

so frequently i operate out of fear. i put off decisions because i'm scared of making the wrong one. i hate that i have so engrained in my brain that there IS at all a wrong choice. right now i'm thinking specifically of what my major is going to be. I feel like choosing between these two majors (music ed and writing my own major in Fine Arts Education (which wouldn't include a teaching license)) is basically deciding who i will be and where i will go for the REST OF MY LIFE. i do realize that i can change my mind if i don't like it, and that i don't have to do the same exact thing for the rest of my life, but i know that one thing can lead to another. i, however, have no idea what my one thing will be. everybody has their (logical) opinions, EXCEPT for me.

i believe i have found my largest fault; i do not know what i want.

i've found it in so many places in my life and each time it doesn't surprise me.

i fail to commit because i don't know if its what I really want. I won't commit unless I know it's worth my effort, so I end up being lazy.

there.

figured it out.

next step.... fix it?

or as my parents would say, "next step, build a wall!"

two new thoughts

in the last couple days, i've come across two thoughts that are my favorite types of thoughts - the kind that are so small and simple, but shake you.

first, that i can judge people without it affecting our interaction or relationship. naturally, i have opinions of anyone i encounter. From now on, I'm really focusing on common compassion and the idea that each person is their own expression of themselves - not a failed attempt to be me or something or someone i am familiar with. just because the way you act is unappealing or annoying to me doesn't mean i have the right to be rude to you. you're a person and you are how you are. i can do nothing to change that. i can, however, have fewer issues with you if i choose to just see you as a person being themselves, not a person trying to aggravate me.

second, that i can be different from the ones that i love (friends, parents, teachers, etc.). I've kind of figured out that by loving someone, that I subscribe to the idea that they are, in some sense, ideal. by seeing someone as idea, i think that i would, in some way, like to be like them. (this is just what i've figured out for me). I don't have to be similar to the people I love in order to relate to or connect with them. I don't have to be like you in order to love you. It's incredibly frightening to be or become different than those you love. Those who I love are part of my identity, and my shifting idea of self and direction in life are enough changing factors in my life. I so would LOVE for those I love to be a constant, a solid thing I can always identify with, but that is unrealistic. I wondered this summer, "what is a best friend?". I thought to myself, "If a best friend is someone I like all the time, I do not have a best friend. I don't like anyone all the time". and it's true. I don't even always like myself. i think i may have wandered... whatever.

i'm gonna go eat some christmas buttons :)

Parlez-vous francias?

So I've been asking a lot of questions lately, but not formally.

I've been trying to make plans for myself through course selection, summer plans, future schools etc. I've found four professors on campus who are SO willing to help.

They each have ideas for me that are so appealing and inspiring, and none of them want it for me. They all want me to figure out what I want for me.

There is no WRONG or RIGHT. that is the hardest thing I'm dealing with right now. There is no "should". For so long, I have operated on "should", which I believe led me to Luther. There are parts of this institution I find inspiring, and other I find not welcoming at all. In some ways, I do believe I made a poor choice coming here, but this place has led me to find a new direction. I have found a new part of myself that I doubt I would have ever seen. I now know so many people (beyond family and life long friends) that are supportive and inspiring.

Today is just one of those days that change feels so GOOD. I'm going for what I want, even though it may be frustrating, ever lasting and difficult. For the first time in a while, I feel downright fabulous. about me! AND, through that, I know you're fabulous too! YOU'LL SEE IT, I SWEAR!

more things i don't want to forget

This is a blank map that lets you go as far as you want in any direction, with no questions asked, but it's no help at all if you want to know if you're going the right way. - Story People

and then these three things

I’ll never experience death, since my death, by definition, will be the absence of me. I won’t be there — so what’s to fear? Our identities spring entirely from a constantly recomposed electrochemical symphony playing in our heads. Asking where my “self” goes when that electrochemical symphony ends is like asking where the music goes when an orchestra stops playing. We are living music. How wonderful is that?

and

"This natural universe is all there is. We are all made of the same material as the stars, but unlike most of the stuff in the universe, we have the astonishing good fortune to be conscious for a short while. We should never stop dancing and singing in the face of that magnificent luck. We are cosmically insignificant, inconceivably unimportant--except to each other, to whom we should therefore be unspeakably precious."

from

http://parentingbeyondbelief.com/blog/?p=35

AND

"The world in which you were born is just one model of reality. Other cultures are not failed attempts at being you; they are unique manifestations of the human spirit." -Wade Davis

things i don't want to forget

Two days ago I went back and read through my old blog (not the whole thing... that would be a huge feat). There were so many little things that I had forgotten; things that had been huge to me at the time. I love and hate that at the same time. I love the idea that I (and my perspective) am changing all the time. I don't love the idea that I forget who I have been. In a sense... I'm always the same person, but in a different sense, I am a different person every day. I read through one or two of my friend's journals and I couldn't help but wonder if he/she had forgotten all those things just as I had.

I actually came to this site to store little blips I don't want to forget. things i like, things i don't like, things that make me think or things that make me stop.

So don’t treat classical music as a once-a-year excuse to dress up and get a nice dinner. It is music. It’s meant to be loved by the young, hormone-crazed masses, loved the very same way we love Radiohead and the Arcade Fire. It should lie at the center of everyday life, spark our wildest conversations and profoundest thoughts, be the soundtrack to falling in love. There’s a galaxy of music in our city that needs our love, and I know we’ve got it in us.

-http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/editorial_opinion/oped/articles/2009/09/13/even_a_radiohead_fan_can_appreciate_mozart/

“ You must have room or a certain hour of the day or so where you do not know what is in the morning paper. A place where you can simply experience and bring forth what you are or might be.”

– Joseph Campbell

that's all i've got for today.

except that for, as much as I love Luther College, damn it feels good to be home (a gangster).

OH PS! my one year birthday as Emmalee is TOMORROW!

canned commitments

with so many relationships around me ending, beginning, fading, and glowing, I just have been thinking and observing a lot... which leads me to questions. what's really getting me is how similar people "should" be to their significant other. One of my friends said that her new boyfriend and here are practically the same person, and that's new for her. Previously, she couldn't imagine that being desirable or functional at all, but it's perfect for her now. Is there some sort of base line, a "our life goals are the same" that needs to be established in order for a relationship to be a positive, worthwhile, long lasting experience? Can i be totally opposite from someone else and be in love with them? Is that a matter of personal preference? If you opperate the same way, is that little bit of fear about how the other will react gone? Do you just spend time getting acquainted and comfortable with one another? Is learned love like that more or less intense and worthwhile than wild (meaning occuring naturally) world.

okay this was going to be long and thoughtful, but i'm too tired.

goodnight. for now.

Which Way Your Heart Will Go

Upon viewing "Jesus Camp", a documentary about evangelical children's ministry, it became more clear to me how completely and naturally people can be so opposite. People either come into the world with really strong personalities or they're somehow formed, either actively or inactively, by the people they're surrounded by. Though I am a thoughful person who questions intentions and direction with each person and event, I am a creation of my surroundings. It reminds me of Chuck Klosterman's writing in Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs; A Low Culture Manifesto;   "In and of itself, nothing really matters. What matters is that nothing is ever 'in and of itself.'" 

I guess something else that became clearer to me is how strong persuasion is, which really makes me question how strong the human brain is. Re-reading that sentence, I'm not sure the human brain is weak at all. I think personal thought and individual actions are hard to come by and especially difficult to have in an environment that seeks to assimilate. Now I'm just wondering, how many groups or systems am I a part of that tries to assimilate. It's not always a bad thing to try to group people. It's probably a wonderful idea at many points, but how do you make that differentiation clear to people who abuse the power of the human spirit? And really, who agrees on the point at which any of these actions are abuse?

-Emmalee

"From which direction are you looking?"

Today was my first day of teaching and it was awesome. I am Ms. Johnson.... and I almost can't handle how cute my little violinists and violists are. They wanted to play so bad, I broke their little hearts taking away their bows. There are some funny little kids in there, and I'm really excited to watch them grow! 

Anywhatsit, Megan and I went to bdubs tonight and man did I chow down. Whenever I go to bdubs I always feel so MANLY.... just because of how spicy i like 'em (which really isn't that spicy, but for me it's a big D). 

i really haven't been practicing and that's BAAAAAd. I've been listening to a lot of Judy Garland and Porgy and Bess, if that counts ;) ..... probably not. 

tomorrow's the meeting on sodexo at luther and I still haven't decided weather or not I'm driving down there.  I probably should've done that by now.... woops.

Orange Crush

I am slowly learning when to say "when"; when enough is enough. Everyday things, such as when to say, it's okay that this paint tray is still a little green, and when it's worth it to keep those paint brushes looking great by spending an extra 10 minutes on them. 

I decided today that I'm worth more to me than I have been treating myself as. I am more than just what others think or see of me. I am more than who I associate myself with, the clothes I choose to wear, my major, the pieces I perform, and both my successes and failures. I am simply more than that. 

I am so relieved to be home. Luther is such a wonderful place, but truly when finals week started (and the semester "ended"), I said to myself, "I do not want to do that again". I really didn't, and I still don't.  A lot of people I know can't wait for summer to be over, they just want to be back on campus. Me, no thanks. I love luther college, but man do I need a break. 

I think this summer is probably going to teach me far more about myself than I expect. (but now i'm expecting it.... hmmmm)

anyway, 

I'm home.

I'm really excited to work at Roseville String Camp!

I'm so pumped for the Mississippi River Challenge

I still can't get enough lemonade.

I'm actually going to practice this summer.

And my family still rocks. 

So I was on the luther website, and the spotlight was on a chemistry professor here. This was in his spotlight, and I was just overwhelmed by it. I'm not a chemist, I don't do things in labs but this goes beyond that. Maybe you have to know things about me, or whats going on, but just take this. 

“It’s exhilarating to get to the point where students aren’t deterred by the fact that 95 percent of things you attempt in lab will fail,” Brad says, admitting that he himself has caused three (small) lab fires in his career. “It’s not something the students have done wrong—that’s just the way things behave. Once students get to that point and beyond, they’re poised to succeed in research enterprise.”

"that's just the way things behave"

so brilliant.

"You don't have a soul, you are a soul. You have a body" - CS Lewis

I found this on my friend Jaci's facebook, and it really struck me. I've been thinking a lot lately about identification and how I see myself and others. I ALWAYS associate a person with their body, and I think that their appearance effects their personality. It's difficult to separate soul/mind from body. Like, what would my personality look like if I didn't look like me? I think it seems really unnecessary, but it's not. Personally, I'm finding it to be a really effective part of self identification/ definition. 

um that's all for now, because my stomach is really upset with me. 

I still wonder

When is it a better idea to just give in and do what you want to instead of what you "should" do. 

I would love to function at a level that certain things wouldn't bother me. But I'm not there yet. 

So my less cryptic question is, When do you just let yourself be whatever you are, even though it's a better idea (in many senses) to just get over it and move on? 

It seems to make sense that the answer would be "instantly!". 

When someone else does something that bothers me, it seems that it's my job to fix it or get over it. And then when I upset someone else, it's my job to redeem myself and fix it. Maybe I'm just being the whiny baby (the typical youngest child). So be it. 

this is such a whiny, crabby post. I'm actually doing really great. I'm keeping busy, not drowning (like before easter!) and spending some time with lovely people. I'm kind of excited to go home this summer. I think it'll be a little weird to leave Luther..... (which is a weird thought!) 

"Nuggets" "Sheherezade!"

LCSO Tour of the South 2009!

solid two thumbs up. I didn't play amazingly every single night, but i realized that me not playing well didn't mean that the whole concert didn't go well. It may seem like common sense, but it was a weird one for me to think about. I made tons of new friends, became better friends with people i already liked, and was just incredibly humbled. 

I have been incredibly fortunate throughout my entire life. This was such a blessing, to be able to MAKE MUSIC 8 days out of 9 with people who I love. Each person I knew well enough to understand went through such highs and lows during this trip, and the best part about it was that we all knew when to help by being close and when to give space. 

Many times, I looked up at Dr. Baldwin and didn't find a que or beat. I honestly looked and found love. I couldn't think of a single more beautiful thing than an adult LOVING what they do. 

I have never held back so many tears in my life. This whole tour was an exercise in emotional supression.  How could it not be? Seriously! 9 days on a bus, loving and hating, creating and resting (or attempting to...). Looking forward to next year, I just about pooped my pants. I'm incredibly nervous and excited for what may or may not happen for the whole orchestra, but specifically my section. 

Although I really would have appreciated some time home, I wouldn't have traded tour for nearly anything in the world. I worked my butt off, and it certainly paid me back MORE than double.

-your resident orch dorch

p.s. I SAY NUGGETS, YOU SAY SHEREZADE!

and.... WHATEVER HAPPENS, DONT STOP DANCING!

Dear Readers,

It's been a while. That's kind of hard for me to believe, that time has passed so quickly! It seems like last week was Christmas at Luther! So now, I think I'm going to honestly commit to trying to post once a week. Every day I am a new person, so I feel like I should account for that at least once a week and tangibly reflect upon my many selfs and moments.

So, here we go!
Sincerely,
Emmalee

(ps i'm not starting right now, like NOW, even though I REALLLLLY want to. I need to work on my two papers, go to two recitals, have a group interview for being an RA, and practice up the wazoo!)