ch ch ch ch changes

instead of my usual finals anthem (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4eMyOzD9UI)

i'll be listening to this during finals 2010.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oA8UEWLUkd0



we gon' rock it.
and we gon' like it.


why i wrote that, i have no idea.
WOOOO FINALS

definitions

i don't remember the last time i was THIS distressed or nervous about an assignment - and today is finally the day. so, naturally, the universe posts this on my facebook news feed. (the universe came to me in the form of Tyler McCubbin)

‎"In walking with integrity, we must pray that others will see us as authentic, not better; not perfect, but real. Perhaps, then, their love for us will increase because they will see realness. If we get this down, our lives would really change. Can you imagine if we had no gaps and nothing to hide? How would it change us, our families, our teams, our schools, our communities?'



so. there it is.
my new goal.
not perfect, but real.



happy friday!

soothing

in a complicated time, a good friend gave me the best guidance ever, and it was simply rilke. admittedly, I haven't read a ton of it, but what I have challenges and comforts me all at the same time. I recently came across this and thought it far too applicable to something that I think a lot of us are dealing with right now - learning how to live with ourselves. What to accept, what to despise, what to fight, and what to discard without a second thought. It seems as though we all have somewhat of a repetitive theme - a burden or large question that we are trying to find the answer to for ourselves. To somehow be free from ourselves. So, for all of you with questions that keep coming back to haunt or sooth you, to challenge or comfort you, I give you this, just as someone once gave me.


i beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. do not search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
-rilke

firework

what you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. it will decide what gets you out of bed in the mornings, what you do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you. fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything.
- pedro arrupe

once again

here i am, thinking of questions and delayed or unfound answers.

SURPRISINGLY!
this week, i've found a lot of answers to a question I didn't know I was asking.
you could say I had an a-ha moment.

think tanks
college professor
curriculum advising
administration
or just straight up pursuing being an excellent teacher (in my education articles, they're called "Master Teachers")

I'm starting to think of where I'll be and what I can do to have the greatest impact.

and I'm also considering something Professor Hightower said in conducting class - there's a time to be constructive and helpful, and there's a time to say "you're wrong" or "that's late" or "try again, but do this differently". This straight forward and no frills approach to education and performance.

ok. computer dying. byyyye!

YESSSSSSS

ONE OF MY LIFELONG DREAMS HAS COME TRUE. almost.

i know when it will come true - THANKSGIVING

somebody get me some women's/cooking magazines, cause THIS LADY'S IN CHARGE OF THANKSGIVING!








that's actually all i got fer yew.
maybe i'll be posting pics :)

findings

when i find things i like and wish to remember or be able to find, i stick them here.
so, enjoy?


"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security, and you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child, and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure… that you really are strong, and you really do have worth.” ~Veronica A. Shoffstall

ps I found this on Emily Streeper's facebook.
just wanted to give some e-cred.

Development

As someone who cares about education and learning, I often find myself mentioning the word development - speaking of them as clearly defined stages, like mile markers on the highway.

I read something a while ago that said something about outgrowing dependency. Isn't that what I'm supposed to be doing now? Growing up - separating, defining, and exploring myself. free of influence.

If this is a part of growing, am I still developing? I thought stages of development were supposed to stop at like 18. But now that I think about it, there was definitely something in my Ed Psych textbook about the main struggle and questions of each decade in life.

i guess i'm just here to whine. as usual. when do i get answers. when do i get to feel secure?
I'm beginning to wonder if I will be able to recognize something that I'm sure about. It seems like such a foreign, unlikely thing - to be sure. In a big picture kind of way - not the "this answer to question #8 on my math homework is right. i'm sure" kind of way.

is doing something you're not sure of an act of courage or stupidity? I'm not even speaking of some specific thing, but just in general. I'm beginning to wonder if i'm slowly walking of a cliff with my chin held high.

a very wise woman once told me (and continues to tell me) not to wish time away.

but SERIOUSLY can I just be 25 already? I'd like to know whether or not I'm any good in a classroom. I'd like to know where I'll be geographically. I'd like to know WHAT I'm going to teach because YES i do have an identity complex over my "emphasis" or "specialty". I'd like to know if I can even live on my own.

Seriously, this is the me in a nutshell. Never where I want to be. Always wanting to be a step ahead. moderately frustrated and mostly impatient. or, put more simply - always the little girl in the back seat saying "ARE WE THERE YET?".

c'mon little girl, take a friggin nap.
you'll get there.
calm down.

independent

I'm sure I've already written about this, as I'm sure you already know - I have the same epiphanies over and over. I think. This time, I've taken it to a different level, which I'm sure is the point of the repetition.

Point/Question being:

Do you think you can form your identity without peers or instructors/bosses?


Can one ever be un-influenced and independent of others?
Is there such a thing as "your truest self"?





So far, in my life, I'm finding that I am incredibly influenced and therefore somewhat formed by my peers and those whose opinion I find valuable. (But hold the phone, isn't my opinion original? .... probably not) I am also finding that I am many different people - I change frequently. I don't know if that's because I change based on who I am around, or if I truly have many capacities and facets to my personality.

This is what this whole blog was supposed to be about - being your own person.
That is, after all, why I changed my name to Emmalee. To be my own person.
To form my identity myself - while recognizing (and paying respect) to those who have helped me to form myself this far.
Now I'm lost in my own thoughts.


Here's a concrete thought for you - if that's what you were looking for.
Listen to the new Sufjan Stevens album - Age of Adz.
OH MY GOD. SO GOOD.

be careful what you wish for

cause it might be awesome.

strangz is hittin the pavement going 40 mph (10 per gig we've been offered). which doesn't sound like a lot, i know, but its way faster than i anticipated!

i'm loving foundations. sometimes i get frustrated with how much conversation we have. my previous teachers would have a hard time believing i don't like a class in which all we do is talk (okay really, its not ALL that we do). but i wanna try stuff. all the conversations we're having - i want to see them in action NOW. i want to try it out, even if it means we all behave like 2nd graders for one person trying out teaching. not the most realistic, i'm aware. but i want to try to see what these ideas LOOK LIKE.
personally, its a really challenging course. i wouldn't say its academically demanding, but nonetheless an important developmental experience.

i was about to go through all my classes, but then i realized that i'd pretty much be saying the same thing over and over again - i really enjoy it, its anywhere from not to incredibly challenging, i would change ____ about the course structure, but overall, i just wish i wasn't taking all of these at the same time. i truly wish my academic courses were laid out in a way that i only had two or three of them, and i went in depth and had a lot of time to spend on it outside of class.


that right there, along with the statements "i strongly dislike insurance companies and automated phone services" and, "the term 'lozenge' is pretty misleading" pretty much sums up my life for the last week.

a lil' nugget for you

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered; Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God; It was never between you and them anyway.

-- Mother Teresa


i've resumed my pursuit of grace.
i started the week before i graduated from high school.
talk about a work in progress.

ANGST

i mostly just write in here when i'm angsty, or so it seems right now.... mostly because i'm angsty and writing in here.

can i just have some answers? i know, i talk about reflection and honesty and purpose and all this stuff involving soul searching and questioning, but I WANT SOME ANSWERS ALREADY!



could i please just see into the future? even like 4 months? just a peek would help... please?

3 months of summer

and it was a summer of firsts

1st long distance relationship (we knew it'd only be for summer)
1st complete SNL episode watched
1st consumption of honey mustard
1st viewing of lord of the rings
1st time touching a cow
1st time taking a nap at a professor's house
1st time driving a four wheeler
1st time getting legitimately lost on my own (what do you mean i took the wrong highway for over an hour!?)
and it was the first time in a long while that i've honestly felt GOOD about being a music teacher. often I have just felt it my destiny. not forced upon me by peers, parents, or teachers. just... what i was supposed to do. it was this summer that i felt, once again, that ache to connect and create with people.

so, i also watched the weston noble documentary for the first time this summer (just tonight, actually) and in it he said "we forget how dreadfully students need love, how terribly they need affirmation, and that they need to know that where they are is OK"

okay so those aren't the exact words, but most of them are right! so.... there you go. this is me saying, if you are a student, have a student, or somehow relate to students - keep that in your brain.

on another thought, things are changing relating to my choir/orchestra dilema.
(not really cryptic, but not really citing any details. mwahahahaha)

anyway, i'm going to pack now. i'm leaving tomorrow for the local foods tour first year immersion program trip! me, two alumni, and 6 or 7 incoming first years, eating, talking about food, working, cooking, camping, all kinds of good stuff.

SEE YOU AT SCHOOL, SUCKAS

freaked me out

so i was thinking about the beginning of summer earlier today, and remembered telling Paul that what I was dealing with was a big bowl of scary and new, and that i felt i had to stomach it on my own. i realized in that moment that my nervous thoughts and worries about luther 2010-2011 are also a big bowl of scary and new, and it will always be me stomaching it on my own (with the encouragement of others, of course).

this lead to two major thoughts


A) how thankful i am for the people around me. I rely on conversation to process and make decisions - academic, personal, relating to decorating or irrational behavior.

B) what if i'm making choices based on avoiding fears. similar to picking a jurry piece similar to one i don't want to sing, JUST so they won't pick that song, what if i'm chosing to be a teacher because i like the repetition and safety of routine? I don't doubt my desires to be an educator, and I believe that whatever my motivation, it will be a challenging and fruitful jouney. But, it does make me wonder how strong of a person i am.

am i satisfied with my weaknesses? do i accept them as a part of me, if they let other people in?
right now i say hell yeah.
but there's got to be a way to let people in while still being independent and self sufficient, right?
in the words of atmosphere, "i'm trying to find a balance. i'm trying to build a balance"

-em

art:life

I learned through Contact Improvisation that art is making choices. It's continuously asking yourself if this is what you want, do you like it, who is it for, what does it mean, does it mean anything, again and again, "Do I like this?". Even going to a counselor at some point in my life, they focused on "asking for what you need".

It may be just me, but I see parallels, and I wrote about this many times in Contact Improv. Everyday life is art. What you do and how you live is an active choice. You have to know what you want, even if that means "I want a journey that involves me NOT making choices".

It seems that I am always relearning to ask for or pursue what I need or want. I could be crabby at someone cause they're annoying the shit at me, or I could realize that what I actually want is a solid meaningful conversation and try to begin that with them. I'm not sure that this makes sense to anyone else, but it sure as hell is helping me out :)

i might be selling my dad's camera he gave me earlier this year :(
I think it's to go towards his new fancy camera he's getting for fathers day.
we'll see.
I'll be sure to ask for what I need :)

I think I'm starting to understand this in a new way

People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. ~Abraham Lincoln


I used to think it was just a way to make yourself more pleasant or happy. Just decide to be happy and you will be. It's inducing false emotion. persuading. not a true decision or desire.

i''m coming to think of it as a mindset. how much of stress and discontent is because of how I view life. Sometimes I think of it as a story, and wonder if people would like to read my story. I look at pictures and I put labels on it, saying "she was "the crazy girl" that night" - as if everything would fit into this mould. I'm so focused on NOW that I don't see the journey. Where I am in life is STILL about development and learning how to make choices and be me. I don't know if that will ever not be true (there I go, focusing on NOW). I think I might view a lifetime or my story as too long and unpredictable to know what kind of philosophy will serve me best. It's weird. I have no idea how I got to these thoughts. Will this make sense when I read it later? Does this even make sense to you?

i feel a blog coming on.



just thought i'd blog about that ;)

doubt

doubt in others has become condescending in my life.

why is there this check and balance?
why does it drive me nuts.



rarely in actual balance
always in transition
perfectly forming.






and yet i am quick to compromise

perfect.

http://www.bostonconservatory.edu/s/940/Bio.aspx?%20sid=940&gid=1&pgid=1241

frames

Through a really frustrating, tough conversation, I learned a lot about me. How I act, what I talk about a lot, how the way I process things is not the same as others, etc.

What really struck me is how much other people influence my decisions. Like spite. I'll do something just because it will piss someone else off. Or, choose not to spend time with someone because they are friends with a specific person. Other people influence my decisions so much - and it's not direct. It's ME giving other people these influences.

What if I just decided I wanted to do something for me? What if all my decisions where based on me and what I wanted, regardless of other people. It sounds really self centered, but I really don't think it is. Deciding for yourself is probably the prime example of self worth. that doesn't mean deciding without considering other people - just knowing what you would do on your own, without other people there is strength.

well, that's what i'm working on now.
not dismissing my passive behavior, compromises, or spiteful decisions as grace or self preservation.

A little late

but i just gotta take a moment and express my gratitude for my family. extended and immediate.
i know we may not be as "close" as other families, but man - they're literally my people. i am their person. we belong (cyndi lauper anyone? sam? YES)

so, my orchestra concert in fort dodge I had two uncles (who beyond high school didn't do anything musical other than listen to jimmy buffet) a pseudo aunt (they should just get married already), both my parents, and my grandma - my only living grand parent.

as much as i see my extended family as pretty opposite of me, they're pretty awesome. hilarious, and usually nice.

i think shit's about to get real though... my grandma's not doing too well. and this is not me looking for sympathy or comments or anything. its just weird. i haven't really dealt with death (other than my dog) since 2nd or 3rd grade. i am excited about something though - my mom and i are gonna go down and stay with her this summer while my uncle (who lives with her) is up in canada. we're gonna re wallpaper her kitchen? i feel like knowing how to wallpaper is a really good skill. not life or death... but cool! and my grandma's pretty cool. especially for not having toes.

anyway, that's what i got right now.
-em

always in transition

So,
all these concepts I hold important in a classroom, I don't even know what they are, or have stopped to think about weather or not they are actually necessary. I'm speaking specifically about my recent work at north winn - improving behavior and academic performance (NOT NECESSARILY MEANING EDUCATION) through self worth. I will be the first to admit that I have a hard time believing in myself, and that is certainly an aspect of self worth I constantly am learning about - how I feel about me. This summer, I was talking with my voice instructor, and we got to this subject. He gave me a quote from Martha Graham (who I had just learned about at Luther!) that confuses the issue of self worth for me. I'll share the whole quote, then touch on the specific troubling part.

"There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. ... No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others."

okay now read it again.

this along with someone telling me the key to happiness is to not confuse your work with who you are, have really confused me. I've always thought that I needed to be happy with my job to be happy with my life. What if I just was something I was good at, like a professional color coder and then did lots of other things besides my job, that were the things I actually cared about. I've always known that when I grow up (when ever the hell that is...) that I want to be a real, whole, person.

Pines of Rome is really distracting me right now. too intense. i cannot keep going. (Pines of the Appian Way)

Pop Quiz

Is there such a thing as destructively introspective?

EXPLAIN

two thoughts

1) To get out of this notorious funk.... I'm going to try concentrating on others. It seems that I am the problem, that I am thinking about myself too frequently and with too much self importance. so, that 's what i'm not going to do. I'm going to think about others more. first. positively. not negatively. i'll let you know how that goes.

2) Megan posted this on her facebook and I think it's beautiful. Just wanted to share it with some more people :)

"The world is chaotic, certainly, and is always cliched. Face it: our lives are full of stories already told. Our parents die, our lovers leave us, and surprise! begin to love others. The dog grows old and we watch our own aging faces in the mirror. What is new is not what we tell, but how we tell it. The lyric essay is one way to do this: it demands (or perhaps asks, with a knowing smile) that we stay awake to the chance associations and intuitive connections that make life bearable. Or really, to be more precise, it asks us to create those very connections as far as they will go and pinch them together at the end.

This is what I love about all braided things: bread, hair, essays, rivers, our own circulatory systems pumping blood to our brains and our hearts. I love the fact of their separate parts intersecting, creating the illusion of wholeness, but with the oh-so-pleasurable texture of separation...Poets, of course, have known this all along. They blow the world apart and put it back together again...

Bread has always been a miracle. As has poetry. And language itself, the tremendous urge to communicate. To live our lives in our shattered ways and still be happy: this is miraculous. The Sabbath bread helps us to see that an extraordinary pattern binds our days together. The braided loaf, set on a table, makes of that table an altar. Our hearts may give the illusion of one muscular organ, but think how the florid chambers converge, and of the many veins and arteries that wind their way by design to reach this fleshy core. They come together; they intersect; they beat an urgent rhythm beneath our skin."

-Brenda Miller

necessity

Whenever I have a lot to say, people don't give me time to talk, but teachers always seem to want to hear from me when i'm yet to have formulated an opinion or thought.
funny how that works, innit? (get the reservation blues reference?!)

so in contact improv today we picked a card (like a magic trick) but they were animal cards. so one side was a drawing of the animal, and the other side was a story or explanation of the animal. i got the crow/raven. it was SWEEEEEEEEET. even though i was acting like a manitee according to david. bah. hilarious.

we were paired up randomly (by drawing the cards) and did massages (both giving and receiving) and it reminded me a lot of when i received reiki healing.

before class i went to talk to jane about my chapter reviews (cause i'm having a lot of trouble with them. urgh.) and we sorted that out and she gave me her giant binder of wisdom on stubborn light so i can .... apply to the research symposium. i don't know what i expect. honestly i don't. but i have figured something out for myself. that's the best part.

sometimes i get discouraged about education and people in general - until i remember that it's just a matter of communication. if there was some sort of newsleter of "shit you should know about or consider or know exists or seomthing

i was gonna be focused and thoughtful but its really not working

Puzzle Pieces

So I've been a real big grump lately. I've been moody, upset, unhappy, crabby, and sensitive since like last thursday. Really it's been coming and going intensely since JTerm. actually i can't really put my finger on the times and span of my moodiness, but that's not really important.

i think i shook it today in contact. I really wasn't excited, and i haven't been for like a week. usually i leave feelin pretty good, but i never really WANT to go to contact.

today, i told jane about my thoughts on taking a year off. what she responded with was, "well that's his opinion. just one person" and continued with "Well, consider it. imagine it. you don't have to decide right now. you know at least 9 weeks of your future, since you're going to finish the semester. just be here now. then go through the humming bird, the jaguar, the snake, and the eagle to think about your options." each of them having different priorities
jaguar - at the top of the food chain, has what they want. very quick. emphasis on taking.
humming bird - sucking nectar out of good things in surrounding environment. (side note... infinity pattern of wing movement!)
snake - needs. just concentrating on what i need. food shelter love. that kind of stuff.
eagle - from a large perspective. flying above the river and seeing my path as a story.

so that's what im doing.

and. working on something that could be really exciting! :)
and looking at something kind of new?

i'm so excited.
i got my groove back.

wise

I was once challenged to describe something as "how it would look in a classroom". and it wasn't something concrete like a design concept. it was my thoughts on respect. I had quoted someone - or made a big decision by making something up for myself - and my professor said, "okay so that sounds good, but what does that look like in a classroom, emmalee?"

he recently challenged me in a new way - though a simple conversation following a recital - and has me thinking about what i will look like in a classroom (or whatever setting I end up in) because of how I spend my time now.

I am just seeing all kinds of problems - with myself, the educational system i subscribe to, the society i operate in, etc.
and i just have to keep saying two words over and over to myself - unspeakably precious.
(from my favorite quote "This natural world is all there is. We are all made of the same material as the stars, but unlike most of the stuff in the universe, we have the astonishing good fortune to be conscious for a short while. We should never stop dancing and singing in the face of that magnificent luck. We are cosmically insignificant, inconceivably unimportant - except to each other, to whom we should therefore be unspeakably precious.")

and
i'm working on seeing what these two lines from a doomtree song look like in my life.

I keep my heart to the sky.
I keep my ear to the ground.

it's always felt so good to me to say these lyrics.
and i want to feel what they feel like.
i want to feel it everywhere - both in my world and body.
i want to see it in myself and my life.
maybe i won't like it, but at least i'll understand it thoroughly through one lense...

crossing lines

in response to MEAL (meat eaters at luther) and the uproar following vegetarian night in the cafeteria

just one thing to say,
I don't think anyone is a bad person for eating meat.

alright so there's more....
I believe in thinking about what you're putting in your body
so i think it's good that you're thinking about what you want in your body and protecting it.
making accusations and getting offended won't get you and your red meat anywhere with me, though. that's all i'm sayin.
and i was never trying to change your mind or your body - i just wanted to share a meal with you from my side of the table.

my favorite

i have many favorites and here's where i'll start listening to them

1) washing my hands after i cut my nails. i often feel as though any nasty things or toxins or old stuff is seeping out of my body through those millimeters of newly exposed skin. WONDERFUL
2) feeling awesome for no particular reason. like right now. i'm kind of just thinking about things in the past, friends, and events and just feelin good.
3) golden people - those who rarely talk but when they do it's super worth it. i'm not that golden-- i talk a lot. but i really like golden people
4) your songs - you know those songs that just feel so damn right to you? good and bad kinds of right? yeah. i forgot about those and found some again this weekend.
5) sharing major things with people - sometimes this can be terrifying and negative in a way, but other times it just feels so good to release and share and talk about big things together with someone.
6) when i get a passage right - theres nothing like finally getting something that i've been doing wrong for a while.
7) home. period. my family, my pets, my bedroom, our foods that we always make and eat, sitting on the couch doin a whole lot of nothin with my parents, visiting roseville schools more than my home district. driving.
8) organizing - but only when i want to. there's a time and place to organize. otherwise i kind of think it sucks.
9) reminders of hilarious things from high school. good lord.
10) times when you feel super connected to someone - friend, more than friend, professor, other musicians you're working with. thats what i want. i want connectivity and shared weight. and damn it feels good to hold someone up every now and then.

and that's where it stops for now. i just felt like writing these things down. try it sometime, it'll make you smile and feel less tense :)

she's only happy in the sun

As someone who is interested in education, you think I'd understand that you don't learn something just once. Well, maybe you do - maybe the next times are deepening or extrapolating the understanding you've already achieved. Any way you slice it - I realize I learn the same lessons over and over. Maybe these are personal challenges I'm supposed to repeatedly face in my lifetime. Something that, because of who I am, is my responsibility to ponder, challenge, share, and re learn 80 million times.

Recently through the feminist women's magazine BUST, I've become interested in sexual education and development. What all of the information I'm coming across is saying (in an underlying, not outright way) is that you need to love yourself before you can love another. I formulated that saying in high school - probably while dealing with a break up before my sr. year. and kept it to myself. Thinking back, since I've discovered this idea, I've relearned it every two or three months. maybe even once a month. It's quite amazing to me how easily I forget things - even ideas that I decide are central to my personality and way of life.

I decided once, also during high school, that I believed in love and education, and that was just about it. What I didn't realize was that by choosing to believe in those two things, I was choosing to not believe in hate or anger and ignorance - which kind of sounds good until you look at it closer. How this manifested itself in my life was by me eliminating intense anger or dislike of people, ideas, events, anything. I would use the word "annoyed" or "upset" but I was never angry or mad. My mind and body have a lot of capabilities - and I had shut two of them off. I put myself in disconnect - controlling responses, reactions, and thoughts. I have since learned that believing in love and education REQUIRES that i believe in the opposite - something I learned in a different form this JTERM (Every bend is a stretch. everything has its inverse wrpped up in what it is. For every actions, there is an opposite - and its potential is in the initial action).

I was going to keep going but I'm feeling a bit lost right now, because I wandered. I think this'll make more sense to me later and I'll keep going :)

rain

I've been pretty up and down lately - but it's totally alright. If I were always in the same place, I'd get comfortable and bored.

Today I took my own advice and so far I am really feeling good. It took a lot of thinking and pouting and in general just bein a crab - but i got myself out of it.

I'm learning to be more critical - and not in a negative way. To pay attention, to understand what little things can mean in a bigger way.

Some things have really been challenging to me - especially the idea of independence. caring for myself. doing what's best for me - and not worrying about other people thinking i'm self centered. This really is the time in my life to explore and be me - weather it hurts others or helps them. Obviously I prefer it help them, and I'm certainly not going to go out of my way to hurt someone and justify it as, "it was the best for me". Right now, it seems as though life is a constant lesson on letting go. That seems really dark and sad, but it's really not.

anyway, i am trying something new. i'm making a plan each time before I go work out. I no longer get sore or feel challenged - it's routine. so i'm steppin it up.


i hope you're all challenging yourselves!
-emmalee

my resolution

my second week of school resolution:

to not complain as much.
i read somewhere that you should write positive rather than negative goals, so i could rephrase that as, "be a more positive person", but that's really not what i'm going for. I think there's an place for positive and negative in each person - but what i'm going for is to NOT put my negative side out there so much.

sure, i can still have negative thoughts, or talk with friends about things that are troubling me. what i'm not going to do is to let everyone i come into contact know what i'm dealing with or what i ate for lunch that didn't taste good. i know i'm not that bad yet, but i'm annoyed with myself.

I was thinking about all of this yesterday - and of course the story of the day email was about complaining

"The problem with knowing everything's going exactly as it needs to is that when you're not having that much fun it doesn't even do any good to complain." - StoryPeople

i was thinking about having a different resolution every week... or possibly eliminating one thing in my life each month. seems like a challenge - something i need right about now. i'm getting comfortable. i'm not asking questions and i'm not exploring.

support

"Seven Blunders of the World"

1. Wealth without work

2. Pleasure without conscience

3. Knowledge without character

4. Commerce without morality

5. Science without humanity

6. Worship without sacrifice

7. Politics without principle

-Ghandi

I'm reading Food, Inc and Animal Vegetable Miracle right now, and it's blowing my mind how messed up things can get when there is no power check or when people don't consider the consequences of their actions. Every month (it seems) I get this reminder of the importance of the consciousness involved in choice in my life. I can't believe that there is this much power and money in the world that is in the hands of so few people. I also cannot believe the morals of some people. Learning about the treatment of animals, workers, the environment, and plants in the "food industry" has been one of the most frustrating things ever. I encourage you, whatever poor soul reads this thing, to find out WHAT you're eating. where it came from - odds are, it came from a lab or warehouse without social, economic, or environmental principles.

Directed Study January 2010

Course Title: Finding A Balance Between Right and Left Brain Learning in Public Education

Course Description:
Traditionally, education focuses on external directives and testing the ability to memorize information - - approaching learning mostly through uniformity and typically leaving creativity and individuality outside of the classroom environment.
This Directed Study will work in tandem with Theatre/Dance 185: Stubborn Light First Year Seminar, applying the theories and practices based on radical questioning of familiar socio-cultural norms and practices for the evolution of artistic thinking, for re-imagining a world of connection, authenticity and compassion. This study will help re-examine the "learning" in the public school system. Activities will be designed through faculty/student collaboration and implemented, with the support of students from the First Year Seminar, to Pre-K through 8th grade students at North Winneshiek Community School. This study will attempt to integrate activities, which foster self-discovery through self-expression, into the traditional structures of the public school environment.

Goal:
How can the public school environment help students find themselves and their place in the world? What they want to do, what they care about, how does this relate to their lives? Not everyone cares about the same things. Providing creative opportunities for children to use their imagination for self-discovery can foster deeper connections for learning, in addition to the traditional linguistic and logic-mathematical intelligences most often addressed in schools.


So that's my course. 4 credits. supervised by Dr. Jane Hawley.

It's really been challenging and eye opening. So many things have caught me by surprise. Some things have disappointed me, but i use these disappointments to further challenge myself. I'll write more about it later, tater.

more thoughts

In Stubborn Light, we read "The Little Soul and The Sun" to the students at North Winneshiek Community School. This story really resonated with me because of recent events and thoughts. the kinds of thoughts i wander upon regularly. I wanted to share part of this with you.

"Well, there is nothing else but the Light. You see, I created nothing but what you are; and so, there is no easy way for you to experience yourself as Who You Are, since there is nothing that you are not"
"Huh?" said the Little Soul, who was now a little confused.
"Think of it this way, You are like a candle in the Sun. Oh, you're there all right. Along with a million, ka-gillion other candles who make up the Sun. And the sun would not be the Sun without you. Nay, it would be a sun without one of its candles...and that would not be the Sun at all; for it would not shine as brightly. Yet, how to know yourself as the Light when you are amidst the Light-that is the question"


I've been so infatuated with this idea of flight. I have always loved airplanes, the sky, airports, clouds, all of it. Thought about getting my pilots license for a while - but that is too literal of a translation of the concept of flight for me. I don't even know what I mean by it completely - I just know I want to fly. On this earth - on the ground. I want to fly. I want to be beyond all walking and fly, like the poet by Rainer Maria Rilke writes in "Going Blind".

And of course, StoryPeople has something for me too. When do they NOT have something that fits for the occasion?

For a long time, she flew only when she thought no one else was watching. - StoryPeople

these thoughts, kelly clarkson, and chips and salsa are all that are on my mind. ha
well, that and that i have a lesson with my 4 yr old in a little bit.
and i'm finally applying to the teacher education program today! wahoooo!

in honor of my friends.

my lovely readers demand that i post.

so here's what's up.

I've hit a hard place, and it is what it is. No confusion or anger, it just is what it is. (i know I already said that)
what's really going on in my brain is using that hard place as an excuse. i enjoy skipping violin sectionals as much as the next person, but really? what was my reason!? ..... it was my current struggle.

seriously!? where do i get off saying that? how many people in the world are going through harder things by no fault of their own? it's ridiculous, how easy I am on myself. No, I'm not absolutely normal right now. But does that mean I shouldn't do my primary job in being and taking care of myself? absolutely not. what kind of message does that send to myself? that it's alright if i suck at the violin, because ONE PERSON isn't in my life anymore. guess what ONE PERSON will always be there? me. i will always be where ever i am, good or bad times - caused by myself or by others.

this is where i get close to me.
this is NOT the time during which I use someone else as an excuse for MY short comings.