something in the lemonade

so, shit's starting to get real, and stay incredibly not real at the same time. how does that work? yeah i'm not sure either.

I'm getting all angsty cause I am stressin about my recital, and there's not real pay off until April 9th at noon. So, it's a long and winding road - and it feels kind of solitary. I've been practicing a lot more than I ever have before, and to be honest, it feels good. I think it's requiring me to look at music very differently, and I haven't begun to make it mine yet. That's the scariest part for me. I've always been a fine musician, getting by with skill and effort, but I wouldn't really count myself as a solid solo performer, because it makes me too nervous. not stage fright nervous, but it just feels gross to me, to be up in front by myself (or with an accompanist) - it makes me want to cut my nails, throw up, and go to bed.

so, things are stressful and weird, and i'm not feeling thankful for ANYTHING. that's what feels the worst - that I don't like where I am or how I'm behaving because of my to-do list and insecurities.

I don't know why, but I've been trying to remember really good moments. Not good like, proper margins, grammar and spelling on a paper, but good in a way that is like the crunch of a peanut m&m, or a spastic dance when you feel like crap, or helping someone out who needs it. it doesn't feel good, it feels good, like you want it to happen at least three more times today, and you want to remember each time. those moments that remind me of The Perks of Being a Wallflower's idea of "in that moment, I swear we were infinite". (ps i'm obsessed with the idea of infinity).

so, i guess you could say I'm pulling out the good letters on a bad day - something my mother recommended I do. Keep pictures, letters and cards from students that say "I love music!", "Thanks Ms. Johnson" or things like that for days when nothing seems to be going well.

So what are your moments?
Mine include concerts, conversations, and sick beats.
I want another. Maybe that's what this is - preparing for a new favorite. a new good. purely of my own doing.
wouldn't that be something special?