black bird

so, I went to a lecture earlier this week by Anna Deavere Smith. It was brilliant - full of intention and potential - also pretty confusing and overwhelming. I'm unsure as to WHAT to do with what I came away with.

She talked about one of my personal mysteries - grace. I instantly loved her for questioning my same question - what is it, and when does it show itself? is it good?

The biggest thing I got from her is to find my question - my big thing - and be relentless. start early and pursue it as if nothing else matters. It seems so beautiful and courageous - and frightening.

But the scariest thing is that I DONT KNOW WHAT MY QUESTION IS.
I've got a lot of loves - but does that mean that any one of them is less pure or less intense simply because the others exist?
I can certainly tell you that two of my loves have been fighting for a long time - vocal and instrumental music. I don't know if one will ever win. they're like harry and voldemort - they can't thrive at the same time. one doesn't QUITE kill the other, but you get my point.

i don't even know what age i like to teach - and i don't know when i will know. AND THAT MIGHT CHANGE WITH MY AGE. so.... what's a girl to do? go the direction I think i like, with both feet? pursue everything at the same time and feel undedicated?

sometimes I think I should have majored in elementary education - 1 because i want that sort of intense relationship with students and the opportunity to help them as a person beyond just music 2 because i don't really think of myself as a musician. its just kinda what i'm good at. I love
, but not more than the average bear. I love it because of the people, because it's fun, and because it makes sense.

other stuff i want to do that confuses me
degree in conducting or ped
study to be a luthier
waldorf teacher certification
own and live on a farm
teach at an international school


word vomit.
yep.
that was it.
almost thoughtfully put together :P