Embracing Chaos

I was working with 20-30 seventh grade boys at a time and struggling. I was not myself - my teaching suffered because I was scared of them. I wasn't scared of them physically harming me, even though I'm not really that much bigger than them, but whatever. I was scared of all of their energy - they couldn't stop moving, or making a couple comments and I sure as hell was not about to give them an open ended question because THEY DONT RAISE THEIR HANDS and that would just lead to 3 solid minutes of chaos. Every single day, it seemed, they would leave the classroom, and I would sit down and want to cry. Why couldn't we have fun? Why couldn't we get our work done? Why did I feel like such a monster? My cooperating teacher, a wise and curious person, said something along the lines of, "At some point you have to just embrace the chaos. Make it part of your instruction. You're not having fun because you don't want them to get out of control. It's killing you - you're not fun. You're not being yourself. Just embrace the chaos". How helpful that conversation would prove to be, I had no idea. It seems as though it may be the best advice I've ever received.

This week, I played violin in church with the adult bell choir (directed by my mother). I'm also the 7th-12th grade choir director, so I'm sort of a public figure in this church. After our run through, during cookie time (they call it coffee and conversation, but let's be real.... it's cookie time), and after worship people kept approaching me to talk about "my gift" of working with these students. In the last week (in this position alone), I've arranged a hymn for my students, but on their band instruments, began writing a musical, as well as rehearsing 2 pieces (one super easy and one RIDICULOUSLY HARD) for our upcoming performances. It sounds fine. And it is. It's also a lot. A lot of people. A lot of schedules. A lot of instruments - A LOT OF THINGS OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE (finale continues to be a serious mystery). One of the most supportive people at that church, the children's choir director, looked at me and said "Emmalee, How are you doing all of this? Are you okay?". I took like 5 seconds and thought about it. I've done a lot with this choir in very little time. They have accomplished a lot, and I think it's because I've accepted the chaos. Flexibility and energy is pretty much ALL I bring to church with me, and it's working. I love my work - it feeds me in a way I never thought a job would.

I'm preparing to move to Asia. How much do I know about Asia? Not a whole lot, friends.
I recently discovered the beautiful people who have a YouTube series and Blog titled "Eat Your Kimchee" focused on Korean cultural education and life. I've been reading enough to know that I need to bring my own sheets and lots of deodorant, but I really don't think any amount of knowledge will really make me 100% positive that I will be happy and successful in Korea (successful meaning I can pay a bill without crying). My mom was reading all this stuff my school sent me about orientation, and looked at me and said "Emmalee, are you sure you're ready for this?" she also was telling me about websites where I can pre-order things and have them waiting for me at my apartment and asking me about my bed size and outlets and utilities and, and, and.... and I looked at her and I said "I'm not so worried about stuff. I'm worried about not knowing the language. It's just stuff. I'll figure it out". I've let go of control and accepted that I will be able to deal with things as they come up. I know it'll be a mess. I know it'll be confusing. But I don't think that having my quality of life or the quality of my interactions suffer because I'm focused on having everything figured out is worth it. I'm happy here. I'll cross other bridges when I get there. And then I'll be happy there.

embrace the chaos