Which Way Your Heart Will Go

Upon viewing "Jesus Camp", a documentary about evangelical children's ministry, it became more clear to me how completely and naturally people can be so opposite. People either come into the world with really strong personalities or they're somehow formed, either actively or inactively, by the people they're surrounded by. Though I am a thoughful person who questions intentions and direction with each person and event, I am a creation of my surroundings. It reminds me of Chuck Klosterman's writing in Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs; A Low Culture Manifesto;   "In and of itself, nothing really matters. What matters is that nothing is ever 'in and of itself.'" 

I guess something else that became clearer to me is how strong persuasion is, which really makes me question how strong the human brain is. Re-reading that sentence, I'm not sure the human brain is weak at all. I think personal thought and individual actions are hard to come by and especially difficult to have in an environment that seeks to assimilate. Now I'm just wondering, how many groups or systems am I a part of that tries to assimilate. It's not always a bad thing to try to group people. It's probably a wonderful idea at many points, but how do you make that differentiation clear to people who abuse the power of the human spirit? And really, who agrees on the point at which any of these actions are abuse?

-Emmalee

"From which direction are you looking?"

Today was my first day of teaching and it was awesome. I am Ms. Johnson.... and I almost can't handle how cute my little violinists and violists are. They wanted to play so bad, I broke their little hearts taking away their bows. There are some funny little kids in there, and I'm really excited to watch them grow! 

Anywhatsit, Megan and I went to bdubs tonight and man did I chow down. Whenever I go to bdubs I always feel so MANLY.... just because of how spicy i like 'em (which really isn't that spicy, but for me it's a big D). 

i really haven't been practicing and that's BAAAAAd. I've been listening to a lot of Judy Garland and Porgy and Bess, if that counts ;) ..... probably not. 

tomorrow's the meeting on sodexo at luther and I still haven't decided weather or not I'm driving down there.  I probably should've done that by now.... woops.

Orange Crush

I am slowly learning when to say "when"; when enough is enough. Everyday things, such as when to say, it's okay that this paint tray is still a little green, and when it's worth it to keep those paint brushes looking great by spending an extra 10 minutes on them. 

I decided today that I'm worth more to me than I have been treating myself as. I am more than just what others think or see of me. I am more than who I associate myself with, the clothes I choose to wear, my major, the pieces I perform, and both my successes and failures. I am simply more than that. 

I am so relieved to be home. Luther is such a wonderful place, but truly when finals week started (and the semester "ended"), I said to myself, "I do not want to do that again". I really didn't, and I still don't.  A lot of people I know can't wait for summer to be over, they just want to be back on campus. Me, no thanks. I love luther college, but man do I need a break. 

I think this summer is probably going to teach me far more about myself than I expect. (but now i'm expecting it.... hmmmm)

anyway, 

I'm home.

I'm really excited to work at Roseville String Camp!

I'm so pumped for the Mississippi River Challenge

I still can't get enough lemonade.

I'm actually going to practice this summer.

And my family still rocks. 

So I was on the luther website, and the spotlight was on a chemistry professor here. This was in his spotlight, and I was just overwhelmed by it. I'm not a chemist, I don't do things in labs but this goes beyond that. Maybe you have to know things about me, or whats going on, but just take this. 

“It’s exhilarating to get to the point where students aren’t deterred by the fact that 95 percent of things you attempt in lab will fail,” Brad says, admitting that he himself has caused three (small) lab fires in his career. “It’s not something the students have done wrong—that’s just the way things behave. Once students get to that point and beyond, they’re poised to succeed in research enterprise.”

"that's just the way things behave"

so brilliant.

"You don't have a soul, you are a soul. You have a body" - CS Lewis

I found this on my friend Jaci's facebook, and it really struck me. I've been thinking a lot lately about identification and how I see myself and others. I ALWAYS associate a person with their body, and I think that their appearance effects their personality. It's difficult to separate soul/mind from body. Like, what would my personality look like if I didn't look like me? I think it seems really unnecessary, but it's not. Personally, I'm finding it to be a really effective part of self identification/ definition. 

um that's all for now, because my stomach is really upset with me. 

I still wonder

When is it a better idea to just give in and do what you want to instead of what you "should" do. 

I would love to function at a level that certain things wouldn't bother me. But I'm not there yet. 

So my less cryptic question is, When do you just let yourself be whatever you are, even though it's a better idea (in many senses) to just get over it and move on? 

It seems to make sense that the answer would be "instantly!". 

When someone else does something that bothers me, it seems that it's my job to fix it or get over it. And then when I upset someone else, it's my job to redeem myself and fix it. Maybe I'm just being the whiny baby (the typical youngest child). So be it. 

this is such a whiny, crabby post. I'm actually doing really great. I'm keeping busy, not drowning (like before easter!) and spending some time with lovely people. I'm kind of excited to go home this summer. I think it'll be a little weird to leave Luther..... (which is a weird thought!) 

"Nuggets" "Sheherezade!"

LCSO Tour of the South 2009!

solid two thumbs up. I didn't play amazingly every single night, but i realized that me not playing well didn't mean that the whole concert didn't go well. It may seem like common sense, but it was a weird one for me to think about. I made tons of new friends, became better friends with people i already liked, and was just incredibly humbled. 

I have been incredibly fortunate throughout my entire life. This was such a blessing, to be able to MAKE MUSIC 8 days out of 9 with people who I love. Each person I knew well enough to understand went through such highs and lows during this trip, and the best part about it was that we all knew when to help by being close and when to give space. 

Many times, I looked up at Dr. Baldwin and didn't find a que or beat. I honestly looked and found love. I couldn't think of a single more beautiful thing than an adult LOVING what they do. 

I have never held back so many tears in my life. This whole tour was an exercise in emotional supression.  How could it not be? Seriously! 9 days on a bus, loving and hating, creating and resting (or attempting to...). Looking forward to next year, I just about pooped my pants. I'm incredibly nervous and excited for what may or may not happen for the whole orchestra, but specifically my section. 

Although I really would have appreciated some time home, I wouldn't have traded tour for nearly anything in the world. I worked my butt off, and it certainly paid me back MORE than double.

-your resident orch dorch

p.s. I SAY NUGGETS, YOU SAY SHEREZADE!

and.... WHATEVER HAPPENS, DONT STOP DANCING!